Cristiano Ronaldo’s unwelcome stag-do cameo, Jurgen Klopp’s allergic reaction, and Newcastle eye coach driver

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All the latest Premier League transfer news. Kind of.

Take the bloody hint, mate. Like, seriously. On Monday, Cristiano Ronaldo polished his Adam’s apple, bundled Piers Morgan into a specially-commissioned pet carrier, and boarded a private jet bound for Saudi Arabia to start a new life as the world’s most expensive carnival sideshow curiosity. A month ago he was talking of Champions League football and World Cup immortality, now he will don the number seven shirt for Al Nassr, a club whose name sounds like some poorly-conceived, CIA-funded mid-century comic book hero designed to turn kids against the evils of Communism by capitalising on the fervour surrounding the Space Race.

You might have been forgiven for assuming that Ronaldo’s exit, replete in anti-climax as it was, would signal the end of his relevancy on these sewage-stained shores, but alas, it would appear not. Spanish outlet Marca report that the forward’s shiny new contract in the Middle East includes a clause which states that he can sign for Newcastle United on loan if and when they qualify for the Champions League. Which is odd, because you would assume that if Newcastle United actually wanted to sign Cristiano Ronaldo, they probably would have done it, say, a month ago, when he was entirely unemployed and crying out for somebody, literally anybody, to spare his crimson blushes. Nonetheless, here we are, so don’t be surprised to see CR7 rocking up in the Toon like an unwelcome father-in-law on a stag-do in the relatively near future.

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Worked very hard in midfield and often progressed 30 yards or so with long, driving dribbles. Did his defensive duties well.Worked very hard in midfield and often progressed 30 yards or so with long, driving dribbles. Did his defensive duties well.
Worked very hard in midfield and often progressed 30 yards or so with long, driving dribbles. Did his defensive duties well. | Manchester United via Getty Imag

Elsewhere, Liverpool are understood to be plotting a raid for Wolves midfielder Matheus Nunes after Bank Holiday Monday’s 3-1 humbling at the hands of Brentford in what might just be the most drastic reaction to a bee sting since Macaulay Culkin died in My Girl.

According to The Telegraph, Jurgen Klopp feels the need, the need to rebuild his ailing midfield, and seeing as Jude Bellingham has stopped answering Jordan Henderson’s calls, the next best thing is tabling a bid of £44 million for a player who he could have signed for £38 million last summer. The Art of the Deal, it ain’t, but if the Reds don’t do something about their engine room inadequacies, the German could very well be learning all about The Art of the Dole sooner rather than later. But hey, at least they signed Cody Gakpo!

And finally, Newcastle United have reportedly made a bid of around £16 million for Boca Juniors teenager Alan Varela, a young man who continues the fine tradition of superbly gifted South American footballers with names like retired coach drivers. Barcelona also want him, although you can’t help feeling that the Catalan giants would be better off signing Martin Lewis, given the current sorry state of their financial affairs.

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