Man City’s respectable haberdasher, Liverpool’s Plan C, and Newcastle United’s sweater vest

Today’s batch of Premier League transfer rumours brings to mind that garish, moth-chewed woollen monstrosity of a jumper that you hoard in the back of your wardrobe and only whip out on special occasions, like when the boiler breaks down and there are icicles forming on the inside of your window panes. At a glance, it is a perfectly ordinary and unremarkable garment, but on every closer inspection, you notice another stray loose thread here or a fraying hem there, and you begin to suspect that with one good tug the entire yarn charade might unravel entirely.

Let us start on the sleeve, where - for the sake of laboured analogies - Manchester City and Real Madrid are picking away at the ever-growing hole of Jude Bellingham’s uncertain future. According to The Telegraph, the precocious England international could be at the centre of a bidding war between the two Champions League titans, with a fee of around £132 million being touted. For that kind of money they should be able to find a respectable haberdasher who can get this one sewn up good and proper.

Bellingham’s voguish appeal among Europe’s elite is hardly anything fresh, but the revelation that Liverpool have bailed on the race to sign him, like a teetering supermodel misjudging the distance to the edge of a catwalk and tumbling into the laps of the front row, has blown the race for his signature ever wider. It also means that the Reds are in need of new, and don’t you dare say inferior, midfield targets.

They say Red Bull gives you wings, but Jurgen Klopp will be hoping that it also gives you decent options through the centre too. The German has been casting a laser-corrected eye towards Salzburg, where he has seemingly taken a shine to Luka Sucic. As per Sky Sports, the young Croatian is being assessed ahead of a potential summer swoop, and hey, if he doesn’t quite measure up, perhaps Liverpool can go to Plan C and make a bid for Joao Palhinha instead. Football Insider reckon they might, at least.

And finally, Milan Web are of the opinion that Newcastle United could make good on Liverpool’s distraction by luring long-term Anfield target Marcelo Brozovic to the north east. At this rate, our ugly jumper is going to end up resembling an even uglier vest. And just in time for summer too.