Premier League predictions: Arsenal need a miracle and all eyes on Newcastle United man

The countdown is on. Just three more weeks, that is all, and then I can fall headfirst into an entire summer of not predicting a single thing. Will I need a jacket tomorrow? Couldn’t tell you. What time will I be home from the pub? Not a clue. How many bags for life will I require for the weekly food shop? I neither know, nor care.

Before my brain is allowed to be still, however, there is work to be done. It is work that I am not very good at, and work that I barely enjoy - predominantly because I am not very good at it - but it is work, nonetheless. So, with gritted teeth and furrowed brow, let us walk this road together, for the antepenultimate time. Predictions, assemble!

Leeds United vs Newcastle United

With Leeds desperately scrapping for their Premier League status, and with Newcastle trying to wrap up an improbable Champions League qualification at long last, all eyes will be on one man at Elland Road this weekend; Jason Tindall.

The Toon assistant has become quite the social media sensation in recent days as more and more people are awakened to his camera-worshipping ways, and his performance in Yorkshire this weekend will be analysed and talked about for years - nay, millennia - to come. He should be left pretty pleased too, in truth. Leeds will no doubt set out to frustrate, but the Magpies should have too much for their hosts. Leeds 0-3 Newcastle.

Southampton vs Fulham

This could well be Southampton’s last hurrah. Lose this match, and the maths will finally reflect the creeping sense of inevitability that has enveloped their campaign; they will be relegated. The Saints have been a top flight outfit for a decade now, but honestly, I see that ending this weekend.

Fulham might have nothing to play for, but this should still only end one way. Southampton 1-3 Fulham.

Chelsea vs Nottingham Forest

Chelsea’s unbeaten streak under Frank Lampard now stands at a staggering one game. This is the kind of progress that they simply could never have achieved under Graham Potter. Whether they will surpass all expectations and make it two whole victories on the spin, however, I’m not so sure.

Forest have the bit between their teeth after two wins in three, and will be fully aware of how significant another three points could be this weekend. Against a Chelsea side who swing wildly between the apathetic and the plain pathetic, I could see them nicking something here. Chelsea 0-2 Forest.

Aston Villa vs Tottenham

After a long, long unbeaten run under Unai Emery, Aston Villa have now lost two games on the bounce. Oh how the turn tables. Thankfully for them, they host a Tottenham side on Saturday whose relationship with victory is akin to that of a toddler being forced to eat broccoli; that is to say that they tend to do their utmost to avoid it, and when they do entertain it, it is usually reluctantly.

In fairness, this one could go either way, and as such, I reckon it might go neither way. 2-2 draw, if you don’t mind.

Manchester United vs Wolves

Wolves’ badge, in my mind, is how a honeybee must see the bat signal. I think they’re going to lose 2-0 on Saturday.

Crystal Palace vs Bournemouth

How sweet it must be for these two clubs that this match, to all intents and purposes, means pretty much nothing. Both Palace and Bournemouth, but especially the latter, will be delighted with mid-table obscurity after the respective seasons that they’ve put in, and while both will want to win this one, they will also know that a defeat wouldn’t be a catastrophe. 1-1 draw at Selhurst Park.

Everton vs Manchester City

Who are you, and what have you done with Everton? The Toffees beat Brighton 5-1 on Monday night, and the whole of the Premier League sat bolt upright and vigorously rubbed its eyes in comedic disbelief. Sean Dyche’s side desperately needed a performance of that ilk after so many months in the doldrums, but it’s unfortunate for them that they are likely to have any potential momentum crushed by a visit from Man City.

The defending champions are marching towards a fifth title in six years, and while I do think this could be tighter than you might expect, I still reckon Pep’s boys will do the business at Goodison. Everton 0-2 City.

Brentford vs West Ham

With survival all but assured, you can’t help wondering whether West Ham’s focus might have drifted somewhat towards their Europa Conference League exploits. The Hammers are just two games from an actual continental trophy - albeit the crap one - and how often have they been able to say that in their recent history? (Apart from last season, of course.)

Anyways, the team that sounds like it should be from west London but is actually from east London will travel to west London on Sunday to face a Brentford side who are bobbing along quite nicely in mid-table. The Bees have done exceptionally well this term, and I could see them coming away with another decent result here. 3-1 to Brentford.

Arsenal vs Brighton

Which Brighton team will turn up at the Emirates on Sunday afternoon? Will it be the one who put Manchester United to the sword in a superb display recently, or will it be the one who imploded at the hands of an Everton side who have spent most of the campaign conducting an experiment into the long term affects of emotional torture on a collective human psyche? Arsenal will be desperately hoping it is the latter.

If the Gunners are to win the title from here, they will need to be flawless. And then they will need a miracle on top of that. Still, I reckon they could uphold their end of the bargain against the Seagulls. Arsenal 3-1 Brighton.

Leicester City vs Liverpool

Like a mid-distance runner fading just before the finish line, you can’t help wondering whether Leicester City might have made their move too early. You see, everything is relative. Prior to their defeat to Fulham earlier in the week, a win and two successive draws had left them three games unbeaten. Now, after that loss at Craven Cottage, they are three without a win. It’s a subtle, but significant, difference.

You fear for them against Liverpool too. The Reds have rediscovered their mojo and are gunning for the top four. This could get heavy. Leicester 0-4 Liverpool.