Premier League predictions: Man City’s Errol Highland, Newcastle’s faux outrage, and David Moyes’ wormhole

The Premier League? Never heard of it, mate. There was a league once, I seem to recall, but I’m not sure how Premier it was. It’s all kind of hazy, ever since the international break took over, yknow. They told us it would only last a fortnight. Maybe it did. Maybe it lasted 84 years. Who can say for certain? Time is soup, after all.

Now that you mention it though, that name, the ‘Premier League’ it does sort of ring a bell. Something about ‘Barclays’, perhaps? Was there a man called Facundo Sava, by any chance? It’s strange the things you can recall, isn’t it? I remember England’s first game of the international break, that 2-1 win against Italy - those bright lights of Naples, Harry Kane breaking the scoring record - like it was just last week.

But you’re telling me that it’s over? That the international break is finally over? I can barely believe it. I daren’t believe it. And this ‘Premier League’ you speak of, it’s coming back, you say? Oh god, I’m tingling... Joyous day!

Well I suppose in that case, you’re going to need some predictions aren’t you? I’m pretty sure I used to have quite the knack of these once upon a time. Quite rusty these days, of course, but let me see what I can rustle up...

Manchester City vs Liverpool

Why, weren’t these the two best teams in the country at one point? Or at least they were until Liverpool fell off an absolute cliff for no apparent reason and Jurgen Klopp tried to cultivate a siege mentality, but seemingly used Alexander the Great’s attack on Tyre as his blueprint.

City though, they stayed the course. Had that big blonde goth with superhuman powers up front scoring hat-tricks on a biweekly basis. I think his name was Errol Highland or something. Anyways, if you’re asking me who would win if they were to play each, say, tomorrow lunchtime, I’d probably have to go with City. 3-1, I reckon.

Bournemouth vs Fulham

Nope, sorry, absolutely zero recollection of anybody called Gary O’Neil ever managing a team called Bournemouth. Was he any relation to Shaquille? No? Oh well, no worries.

Fulham though, I do remember them. They had that little fella who looked like a low budget Joey Tribbiani impersonator in charge for a while. Always thought he was a decent bloke, up until that game at Old Trafford when he and his players set about the poor referee like a pack of wild animals. Nearly ripped him limb from limb, if I recall. And they conspired with Scar to have his dad pushed into that wildebeest stampede. Or am I thinking about the hyenas from The Lion King? It’s all so blurry...

Anyways, Fulham to win. Let’s say... 2-1.

Nottingham Forest vs Wolves

The international break has lasted a literal eternity, and yet I would bet you any money that Steve Cooper still hasn’t been able to memorise the names of all of his summer signings. Then again, he’s only human.

Forest, from what I remember, are good at home though. 2-1 win over Wolves in this one, with Whatshisface Thingamajig to score the decisive goal.

Crystal Palace vs Leicester City

Is that... Roy bloody Hodgson? As I live and breathe. He was 75 when the international break started; he must be pushing 150 now, at least. Mind you, hasn’t changed a bit, has he? Still cuts a dashing figure. Bet he could ping a decent through ball too, if push came to shove.

Brendan Rodgers, though. Somebody needs to get that boy in a lab for testing, pronto. His powers of durability and preservation could hold the secret to eternal youth, and perhaps the answer to world peace too. The Leicester City manager was in a precarious position before the international break, so how he is still employed nearly a century later is beyond me.

I don’t see Saturday’s result making things any easier for him either. Palace 2-0.

Arsenal vs Leeds United

Oh yeah, I remember Arsenal. They were that team who were absolutely class around the turn of the millennium, but who slowly descended into a state of constant disappointment, barely scraping by on the merits of their sizeable legacy, and largely becoming the butts of everyone’s cheap jokes. How’re they getting on these days? They’re top of the league with an eight-point lead and 10 games to go?! Well, I’ll be damned.

And Leeds United? Oh yeah, I remember them. They were that team who were absolutely class around the turn of the millennium, but who slowly descended into a state of constant disappointment, barely scraping by on the merits of their sizeable legacy, and largely becoming the butts of everyone’s cheap jokes. How’re they getting on these days? They’re two points clear of the relegation zone with 11 games to go?! Guess we’ll go for an Arsenal win, then. 3-1.

Brighton vs Brentford

Brighton and Brentford, who’d a thunk it, ay? Not me, and to be honest, I’m quite insulted that you would prey on my obvious mental fogginess in an effort to try and convince me that they are seventh and eighth in the so-called ‘Premier League’ respectively. Shame on you! I’m going for a 3-3 draw here. BARNSTORMER!!!

Chelsea vs Aston Villa

Few people would actively choose to follow the life of an amnesiac, but then again, few people find themselves in the professional predicament that Graham Potter does. Oh, what he would likely give for a few days of of blissful bafflement, where he could just lie in a hospital bed, maybe with a comically large bandage around his forehead, drinking little cartons of orange juice and watching re-runs of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares on a portable TV in the corner of the room.

But alas, there is no forgetting. There is only Aston Villa at home on Saturday evening. 2-2 draw, for my money.

West Ham vs Southampton

David Moyes looks like a man who has personally felt the ravages of a wormhole first hand. Every crease in his furrowed brow, every silver hair and withered, deflated stare exudes the crumbling feel of a soul that holidays annually in the Bermuda Triangle.

For him, then, this international break will have shot by in a flash. Everything, at the end of the day, is relative. What is the purgatory of a meagre century when you have endured epochs of relegation scraps and ill-fated continental sojourns?

Moyes will feel, comparatively speaking, fresh as a daisy heading into this one, and on the basis of that alone, his team should thrive. 3-0 to West Ham, please and thank you.

Newcastle United vs Manchester United

Even in my memory-addled state, I can crisply hark back to the faux outrage that Newcastle United fans drum up every time they play their Manchester namesakes live on Sky Sports. ‘How come’, they proclaim in shades of Geordie indignation, ‘they get to be called Manchester UNITED, and we just have to settle for plain old Newwwwwwcastle?!?’.

Well, let me clear that up for you. There are two teams in Manchester, and as such, it is quite handy to be able to differentiate between them. There is but one team in Newcastle, and therefore, that same distinction is not required. It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just a matter of convenience. The same thing, I’m sure, would happen if you played Sheffield United. Glad to be of service.

Also, Newcastle are going to lose 2-0.

Everton vs Tottenham

Wait, it’s all coming back to me! Every last detail! Sean Dyche’s voice! Antonio Conte’s general demeanour of terrifying sullenness! Two historic giants of the English game both repeatedly and inexplicably underwhelming to such an extent that they inflict undue mental torment on those that hold them dearest! The Premier League! Oh, how I have missed you, old friend!

Of course, Conte is gone, but his legacy lives on - and by that, I mean that there is every chance Spurs will drop points in this one... mainly because they simply cannot afford to drop points in this one. 1-1 draw. You heard it here first.