Every 2022 FIFA World Cup shirt rated: from supermarket knock-off to Arctic Monkeys-Spongebob crossover

It was Oscar Wilde who said that “fashion is merely a form of ugliness so absolutely unbearable that we have to alter it every six months”, but it was some voracious suit or other in a sportswear giant’s marketing department who stated that “football shirts are a commodity so profitable that we have to put out two, maybe even three, unnecessary new ones for every single country ahead of every single major international tournament”.

In Qatar, we will see at least 64 fresh offerings (and perhaps even more if that most lucrative of swindles, the third kit, is required in cases of pesky colour clashes). Naturally, on a runway so large, the disparity in merit is vast. But who better to guide you through this autumn/winter collection than a man whose sartorial inclinations stretch to a wardrobe that boasts more shades of grey than a bestselling erotica franchise?

So come along, let us tug at the loose thread of curiosity, let us zip up the fly on the corduroy flares of reproval, and let us strut this Qatar-walk together.

GROUP A

Qatar (Home)

If nothing else, the hosts should win the title of “most conspicuous emblem placement” this winter. Might be about the only thing they win. Upside-down-Pokemon-ball badge aside, this is actually a fairly smart number from Nike, with bonus marks for some lovely sleeve detailing.

Qatar (Away)

An entirely unremarkable shirt, apart from the baffling decision to accent it with a subtle design that is seemingly inspired by the coffee cup rings you inadvertently leave all over the dining table whenever you sit down for a brew. Always use a coaster, folks.

Senegal (Home)

*To the tune of Sexbomb by Tom Jones

“Chevron, chevron, it’s got a chevron”.

Senegal (Away)

What is it with Puma and their insistence on dreadful, dreadful away kits? This year’s batch of voguish monstrosities appear to have been inspired by the Teletubbies, what with those large central panels plastered across the stomach. Forget Noo-Noo, this is a No-No from this humble observer.

Netherlands (Home)

Clearly drawing on the sartorial choices of the greatest Dutchman in living memory, Goldmember, Nike have delivered an unusually garish home kit for the Netherlands that vividly evokes both a Crunchie wrapper and the concerningly-hued scales of a funfair goldfish in equal measure. Needless to say, they will be hoping to last longer than the latter in Qatar. Smoke and a pancake, anyone? No? Flapjack and a cigarette?

Netherlands (Away)

“You can’t all dress as Spock for the Star Trek convention?”

“You just watch us, pal...”

Ecuador (Home)

Never has a yellow been this yellow. It’s like somebody dunked Big Bird in a vat of Sunny D and fired him into the sun. Resplendent.

Ecuador (Away)

Kind of like your gran’s living room carpet, if her living room carpet was woven from Grimace’s pelt and the claimed face masks of vanquished luchadors.

GROUP B

England (Home)

You know the cheap knock-offs Tesco whack in the kids clothing section during major tournaments so that parents can give their little ones a feeling of involvement without having to fork out an extortionate amount of money on an actual replica kit that they’ll inevitably outgrow in a few months? This is that shirt. I would be embarrassed to win the World Cup in this shirt.

England (Away)

And yet, this away effort is a triumph. Understated, timeless, a delightful collar - how hard would it have been to replicate this in white? Answer my letters, Nike.

Iran (Home)

I’ve never heard of Majid, but I quite like this. It’s like somebody commissioned the design team from Pro Evolution Soccer to come up with the packaging for a tube of toothpaste. Reserve the right to call it the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen if they beat England on November 21st, though.

Iran (Away)

Majid toothpaste strengthens and protects by fighting plaque and targeting bacteria on teeth and along the gum line. Say goodbye to bad breath and decay with new formulated Majid toothpaste, now available in red berry flavour.

USA (Home)

You know the cheap knock-offs Walmart whack in the kids clothing section during major tournaments so that parents can give their little ones a feeling of involvement without having to fork out an extortionate amount of money on an actual replica kit that they’ll inevitably outgrow in a few months? This is that shirt. I would be embarrassed to go out at the group stage in this shirt.

USA (Away)

Very big “Smurf’s first Woodstock” energy to this one. Actually really like it.

Wales (Home)

Wales haven’t been to a World Cup since 1958, and after such a long wait, at the very least they’re going to look nice and smart when they get there in this stellar home kit. Reserve the right to call it the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen if they beat England on November 29th, though.

Wales (Away)

This away kit might actually edge the home one, y’know. The collar in particular is wondrous, like a snarling grin of dragon teeth resting atop a verdant valley knoll.

Group C

Argentina (Home)

Esta es una camiseta azul y blanca. ¿Qué quieres que te diga?

Argentina (Away)

The year is 2008. You’re strutting about your bedroom with a plastic Les Paul peripheral, eyes glued to the screen of your Toshiba portable as you mash your way through a note perfect cover of DragonForce’s ‘Through the Fire and the Flames’. The difficulty is expert. The crowd is raucous (and woefully animated). The star power is rising. Swept along on the surging rapids of pixelated revelry, you do that weird tilt thing with the controller and are greeted by the billowing tongues of a thousand electric blue flames. You are the accelerant. You are the inferno. You are the eponymous Guitar Hero III: Legend of Rock.

Saudi Arabia (Home)

Oddly beguiling in its chaotic beauty, like broken glass on an astroturf lawn.

Saudi Arabia (Away)

Wow, that Saudi Arabia away shirt sure looks like this season’s Newcastle United alternate strip! Wait, what do you mean we’re not allowed to point that out?

Mexico (Home)

Frida Kahlo’s ‘Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird’. Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’. Juan Rulfo’s ‘Pedro Paramo’. Carlos Santana’s ‘Smooth’. The Mexican national football team’s ‘Qatar World Cup home kit 2022’. This is heritage. This is art.

Mexico (Away)

In ancient Mesoamerican folklore and culture, Quetzalcoatl was the god of wind, and the higher being from which all peoples claimed descent. It was he who taught mortals the written word, he who gave maize to mankind, and he who wrangled the interminable cycles of the sun and moon into a recognised calendar. In his heavenly guise, the deity would take the form of a feathered serpent, illuminating the cosmos as Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli, or “Lord of the star of the dawn”. Millennia later, Adidas have taken his likeness and whacked it on a football shirt. How fitting, then, that the resulting kit is absolutely divine.

Poland (Home)

A relatively underwhelming affair, aside from the pattern across the shoulder, which brings to mind the foreboding consequence of a cautionary Autoglass advert.

Poland (Away)

Poland appear to have opted for a Victorian swimming costume as their away kit, which is an unorthodox choice for a World Cup held in a country that averages just 73mm of rainfall annually.

Group D

France (Home)

A blue so deep that it makes the Mariana Trench look like a duck egg. Perhaps the only shirt at this year’s tournament that wouldn’t look out of place in an adaptation of Les Miserables. Jot that down in the “pros” column.

France (Away)

I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but there is simply no way of describing this shirt in a factual manner without making it sound like something your Auntie Sharon would force everyone to wear on her hen-do.

Australia (Home)

“Hey Homer, what did you do, get a haircut or something?” “Look closer, Lenny.” “Oh, I know what it is, you’re the biggest man in the world now... and you’re covered in gold.” “Fourteen karat gold!”

Australia (Away)

The worst thing to happen to Australia since they cancelled Neighbours.

Denmark (Home & Away)

The message behind Hummel’s monochrome Denmark kits is a serious one, and their critical stance on the human rights abuses that have marred the buildup to the World Cup have been rightly lauded by many. As well as reiterating the need to keep these conversations in the foreground, they have created some of the most impressive shirts that we will see in Qatar.

Tunisia (Home)

According to the accompanying press release, Tunisia’s home shirt features a “tonal graphic that recreates the cuirass of the armor of Carthaginian general and statesman Hannibal”, which, I’m afraid to say, is really bloody cool. It’s just a shame that the resulting print looks like a bisected lemon hovering above James McAvoy’s Mr Tumnus.

Tunisia (Away)

Most modern historians are in agreement that Hannibal’s famous crossing of the Alps in 218 BC was completed by an invading force that included either 37 or 38, predominantly African, elephants. Only one of these elephants survived the Second Punic War, however. According to legend, his name was Surus, meaning “The Syrian.”

Now go and impress your friends with the new fact you just learnt!

Group E

Spain (Home)

Genuinely have nothing to say about this shirt. Showed it to my girlfriend to get a second opinion and she said: “The Adidas logo looks a bit like a phone signal thingy”, so there we go.

Spain (Away)

A watermark that falls squarely between Arctic Monkey’s ‘AM’ era and a Spongebob Squarepants backdrop. Slight shades of “angry mob consisting entirely of anonymous Facebook avis” too. All in all, a little bit meh.

Costa Rica (Home)

Close your eyes. Scrunch them up real tight. Now, trying as hard as you can, I want you to imagine what a Costa Rica home kit made by New Balance might look like. Congratulations, you have almost certainly just imagined the exact kit that Costa Rica will be wearing in Qatar. (Only just realising that if you did actually shut your eyes, the rest of this entry will have been rendered moot. No real point in even telling you to open them again either, is there? How would you even read the instruction? Oh well.)

Costa Rica (Away)

You’ve still got your eyes closed, haven’t you?

Germany (Home)

Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe. But this isn’t Britain. This is die Autobahn! Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a home shirt!

Germany (Away)

When you’ve got a World Cup group stage clash against Costa Rica at 7pm, but you’re trying to get into Berghain at midnight.

Japan (Home)

Gloriously handsome and comfortingly polygonal, like the protagonist in a Playstation One JRPG.

Japan (Away)

My love for this shirt is profound and intangible. The silken, lunar tranquility of the white. The thick, bold embrace of the black trim. The ultraviolet murmur of the sleeves, like the gentle fall of a neon cherry blossom. It is a watercolour sketch of a Shibuya Crossing billboard, the lament of whale song over a brusk 808 beat. It simmers my blood and soothes my doubts. I am moved.

GROUP F

Belgium (Home)

Belgium’s 2022 World Cup bid, brought to you in association with Guy Fieri.

Belgium (Away)

Belgium’s 2022 World Cup bid, brought to you in joint-association with Guy Fieri and the bizarre abstract art on the cover of your GCSE French textbook, apparently.

Canada (Home)

A red t-shirt with some wiggly bits on the sleeves.

Canada (Away)

A white t-shirt without any wiggly bits on the sleeves.

Morocco (Home)

Nope.

Morocco (Away)

Perhaps the only one of Puma’s away kit eyesores that is some way passable, and even then it’s only because the front motif is A) barely visible, and B) looks as if it was crafted at the dwarven forges of Khazad-dum itself.

Croatia (Home)

Worst round of Tetris ever.

Croatia (Away)

Something about this shirt just screams “Police Interceptors opening credits”.

Group G

Brazil (Home)

Brazil shirts should be vibrant, luscious, and carnivalesque. This looks like a canary with eczema.

Brazil (Away)

I used to work in a Wetherspoons in Manchester city centre. Our pub was about a five minute walk from Piccadilly, and consequently we were often the first watering hole that a lot of stag and hen-dos would hit as they made their way down from the station into town. I cannot begin to tell you how many cocktail pitchers I would pour out on any given weekend shift, measuring shots at a frenetic pace, lairy punters four deep at the bar.

But no matter the recipe - no matter its alchemical balance of fruity components - the starting edict for each drink was always the same, trickling down through the company, as it did, from a certain polo-sporting hardline Brexiteer; fill the jugs with three-quarters ice. The idea was to save on mixer (and expense) where possible, and the eventual concoction, once the heap of cubes had melted somewhat, was often watery and quite pathetic.

What I’m trying to say is that those sleeves look exactly the like the over-diluted dregs of an abandoned Blue Lagoon.

Serbia (Home)

This is the exact shirt Ivan Drago would wear if he made a brief cameo in Holby City. I’d watch that. You’d watch that.

Serbia (Away)

Teletubbies is a British children’s television series created by Anne Wood and Andrew Davenport for the BBC. The programme focuses on four differently coloured characters known as the Teletubbies, named after the television screens on their bellies. Recognised throughout popular culture for the uniquely shaped antenna protruding from the head of each character, the Teletubbies communicate through gibberish and were designed to bear resemblance to toddlers.^[8]

Switzerland (Home)

What have the Swiss, recognised and committed militaristic neutrals and inventors of the Toblerone, done to deserve such a heinous act of hatred from Puma? To weaponise such banality is an affront to the fragile passions of gods and men alike.

Switzerland (Away)

Teletubbies rapidly became a commercial success in Britain and abroad. It won multiple BAFTA awards and was nominated for two Daytime Emmys throughout its run.^[9][10] A single based on the show’s theme song reached number 1 in the UK Singles Chart in December 1997 and remained in the Top 75 for 32 weeks, selling over a million copies.^[11] By October 2000, the franchise generated over £1 billion ($1.6 billion) in merchandise sales.^[12]

Cameroon (Home & Away)

The Indomitable Lions (great nickname by the way, lads), have made a bold choice by dropping their long-time manufacturer Le Coq Sportif in favour of One All Sports, a brand with their origins in motor racing. At present, images and details of the actual design are hard to come by, but given that this is the country who have previously given us infamous kits incorporating vests and unitards (the greatest World Cup strips ever stolen from us), don’t be surprised to see Cameroon rock up in Qatar wearing crash helmets and a full set of leathers.

Group H

Portugal (Home)

The x axis is “Time”. The y axis is “James Corden’s popularity since ‘Gavin and Stacey’ finished”.

Portugal (Away)

Clean, minimal, classy. This is, earnestly speaking, a good, good shirt.

Ghana (Home)

One star on the chest, three stars on the old review front. Not great, not terrible. Gets extra marks because the sleeves look like traffic light ice lollies.

Ghana (Away)

I’m not going to make you read any more of the Teletubbies’ Wikipedia page, don’t worry.

Uruguay (Home)

Once upon a time you could get two of these exact shirts, minus the Uruguay badge, in Topman for a tenner. Hard to imagine that kind of value now. Not in this economy.

Uruguay (Away)

The little girl who played the sun in the Teletubbies is in her mid-20s now. The slow, inevitable march of time will come for us all one day.

South Korea (Home)

Real Grade A stuff from Nike, and yet more proof that somebody in the design team has a vendetta against England. Flirts fast and loose with the fine line between streetwear influencer and professional darts player, but what a tightrope to walk.

South Korea (Away)

Somewhere in Doncaster there’s a private hire coach missing its upholstery.