Man Utd’s Love Actually tribute, Liverpool want biblical mob figure, Arsenal plot something entirely expected

If I had a pound for every time that I’ve written the words ‘Manchester United’ and ‘Frenkie de Jong’ in the same article this year, I would almost certainly have accrued enough of a personal wealth to ensure that I never have to even so much as look at a keyboard ever again. The Dutchman appeared destined to make the move to Old Trafford during the summer transfer window, only for the whole debacle to collapse like a ricepaper dancefloor.

But, alas, perhaps all is not lost. According to the Manchester Evening News, the midfielder has privately told compatriot Erik ten Hag that he would be happy to join him in England at a vague and undisclosed point in the future. And thus, one of 2022’s greatest will-they-won’t-theys looks set to stride assuredly into the new year, emboldened by the sweet, viscous nectar of idle speculation. It’s like a discarded narrative thread from the director’s cut of Love Actually. How festive.

Meanwhile, over at Anfield, Liverpool are said to be interested in signing Moises ‘New Jersey mob boss tells you who parted the Red Sea’ Caicedo. Sky Sports News report that the Reds are monitoring his situation, but could face competition from Chelsea. Typical.

The Ecuadorian’s current employers, Brighton, are understandably rather unwilling to sell, and are fairly confident that they won’t have to, given that the 21-year-old is under contract on the south coast until 2025. Ultimately though, we all know how this one will play out, because we’ve seen it happen before; Brighton bring in a precocious talent from some footballing hinterland or other that the big boys are too snobbish to properly explore, said talent thrives in the Premier League and attracts the interest of a top six club who pay over the odds to whack him on the bench every other week, Brighton use the incoming transfer fee bring in a number of precocious talents from some footballing hinterland or other that the big boys are too snobbish to properly explore. It’s the circle of life.

Maybe Albion should try signing some worse players, and then everybody would simply leave them alone. Just a thought.

And finally, AS report that Arsenal are keen on signing Argentine World Cup winner Alexis Mac Allister... who plays for Brighton. Don’t make me tap the sign.