Man Utd’s aborted lunar landing, Newcastle’s Old Trafford yard sale, and the vague and mystical number 12

On this day, 53 years ago, Apollo 13 was launched expectantly towards the stars from the John F. Kennedy Space Center on Merritt Island, Florida. Had it been successful in its mission, it would have become the third flight in human history to land on the moon. Instead, the lunar landing was aborted after an oxygen tank in the service module was damaged by an explosion. Apollo 13 looped round the moon, landed back on Earth on April 17th, and would go on to inspire an adaptation that became the third-highest grossing box office smash of 1995, beaten only by Die Hard with a Vengeance and the first Toy Story. Mid ‘90s Tom Hanks could do no wrong.

Having crashed back through the atmosphere like cosmic Icaruses (cosmicaruses?), the astronauts onboard that ill-fated rocket had, in a very literal sense, failed. But, of course, nobody reflects on it that way. Instead, theirs is a tale of adaptation and tenacity, of life finding a way through cunning desperation and a sheer force of will. There are lessons to be learned from Apollo 13, and they are lessons that Erik ten Hag is seemingly looking to apply in his hunt for a new central midfielder. You see, the Dutchman took his shot at the proverbial moon last summer when he came within a whisker of signing compatriot Frenkie de Jong from Barcelona. Since then, he has been drifting listlessly through the great beyond, sending out SOS signals from his supersonic tracking beacon, clinging to the hope that he might be able to find a suitable alternative out there amongst the stars.

And well, Brighton, they have a problem, because the Manchester United manager has taken his flagpole of interest and planted it firmly into potential deals for both Moises Caicedo and Alexis Mac Allister. Neither represent particularly original targets, granted, but then again, would Rick Dior, Steve Pederson, Scott Millan, and David MacMillan have won an Academy Award for Best Sound Design had the USSR not launched Sputnik way back in 1957? I think not. We are, after all, mere dominos in the never-ending train of causal fate.

Given that both Caicedo and Mac Allister are valued at around £70 million each, United might have to get to fundraising sooner rather than later. First to be tossed into the dog-eared cardboard box marked ‘YARD SALE’ is Scott McTominay. The Red Devils could look to fetch about £50 million for the one they call ‘McSauce’, which would make him the most expensive condiment in world football to date. Comparatively, Gabriel Heinze left United for around £10.5 million when he joined Real Madrid in 2007. Newcastle United remain interested in signing the Scotland international.

And finally, Anthony Elanga reportedly has ‘over 12’ clubs interested in signing him this summer, with the Swede said to be open to the prospect of a fresh challenge away from Old Trafford. ‘Over 12’ is such a frustratingly vague way of quantifying the forward’s chasing pack. Is it 13 clubs? Is it 15,627? Are you just making this nonsense up as you go along? I need specifics! I’m a busy man! I have over one article left to write today.