Manchester United’s quantum butterfly and Chelsea’s dubious genetics

It only takes ten minutes for an entire season to unravel, doesn’t it? At about half past nine yesterday evening, Erik Ten Hag was sat there all ready to tick off another box on his first-year targets sheet – “win a trophy” – when Sevilla sent it all spiralling southwards. And much like quantum mechanics dictate that a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause a Harry Maguire own goal in Salford, so there will be unforeseen knock-on effects to their late collapse last night.

One of those effects could be that a particular striker, sat at home watching on his 260” flat-screen, will get cold feet about the idea of moving to Old Trafford after seeing that they aren’t all that “back” after all. And if another club with large reserves of cash can come in and make an offer, Harry Kane might just be tempted to change his plans…

Multiple outlets, including The Independent, are reporting that perennial German champions Bayern Munich are plotting a surprise bid for England’s record goalscorer. They also report that Kane wants to stay in England, mind you, and neglect to report that Bayern, a club whose preferred recruitment method is winking coyly at rival clubs’ players until they run their contracts down, would have to obliterate their transfer record in unlikely fashion, but we at 3 Added Minutes are solemnly sworn to report all important transfer rumours in tandem with a laboured comedy bit, even when we don’t believe the rumour in question for a moment.

Rather more plausible are reports that Chelsea want to buy… excuse me while I check my notes here… ah yes, everyone. Today, the alleged deals sure to set the automated FFP alarms at the FA headquarters jangling are for Alexis Mac Allister (The Guardian, who also mention Manchester City and Liverpool as suitors), Raphinha (from Spanish outlet Sport) and Leeds United goalie Illan Meslier, who Football Insider suggest would be keen on a move. At just 23, he seems a little young to be targeting the dream job of being paid thousands of pounds to sit on the Chelsea bench, but perhaps Winston Bogarde has been on the phone with a few tips.

The most exciting news for Chelsea fans, however, is that 90min are reporting that the west Londoners are also confident they can sign wantaway midfielder Mason Mount to a new contract after all. It would probably be good PR for Todd Boehly to keep one or two players who can be nonsensically claimed to have the club’s “DNA” in them, and they’ll be happy to fly in the face of decades of genetic science if Mount stays.

Speaking of genetic science, any scientists secretly at work on a project to engineer the perfect footballer should probably be taking notes from the Thuram family. Dad Lilian was one of the best defenders in the world in the nineties, elder son Marcus has been doing bits for club and country for a few years, and now the younger sibling, Khephren, is on the radar of both Liverpool and Manchester City.

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The latest product off the Thuram factory conveyor belt was named after the Egyptian pharaoh who archaeologists believe was responsible for the Great Sphinx and the second biggest pyramid in Giza – presumably the pharaoh Marcus made the biggest. Anyway, Footmercato reckon the recent France debutant has done enough at Nice to impress the big boys from the North West of England, so he could be swapping the Cote d’Azur for Ancoats pretty soon.