How Bayern Munich's British starting XI could look if Kane gets his way - including Arsenal & Newcastle stars

The German giants have been linked with Newcastle United full-back Kieran Trippier in recent days.
Watch more of our videos on Shots! 
and live on Freeview channel 276
Visit Shots! now

What is Harry Kane up to? Just days after his Bayern Munich side, presumably deliberately, completed a loan deal for former Tottenham Hotspur teammate Eric Dier, reports have emerged suggesting that the German giants could now turn their attention to yet another experienced Englishman in the form of Newcastle United full-back Kieran Trippier.

Naturally, people are starting to suspect that these are not prospective transfers pursued on footballing merit, but rather a desire to provide the England captain with as many home comforts as humanly possible. After all, if you are serious about mounting sustained title challenges, it is perhaps not the brightest idea to slowly replace your first team with the members of Mauricio Pochettino's ill-fated Spurs bottle jobs.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Cheap shots and poor jokes aside, however, it did get us thinking as to what a full team might look like if Kane gets his apparent way and transforms the Bayern dressing room into a wholly British affair. Onwards, dear reader...

Aaron Ramsdale

Look, he's underutilised, he's English, and he's therefore perfect for Kane's roving gang of ex-pats. Plus, I reckon there's a 99% chance that he would be willing to wear Lederhosen in his announcement video. What's not to like?

Kieran Trippier

Not so long ago, the prospect of Trippier being allowed to leave Newcastle United would have been absolutely unimaginable. In recent months, his form has dipped notably, however, and with Financial Fair Play snapping at the Magpies' heels, a tempting bid could be enough to convince them to reconsider their stance on the full-back.

Eric Dier

When racehorses are shipped overseas to compete in lucrative events, they will quite often be sent with a second, less talented horse from their stable to help cultivate a sense of familiarity and settle them into their new surroundings. Eric Dier is that second horse.

Mark Labbett aka The Beast

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Physically imposing and devilishly cerebral, Mark 'The Beast' Labbett is a towering icon of British daytime television, and surely a natural fit at the heart of defence. Perhaps not as mobile as other potential options, he nonetheless never gives up on a chase. Thank you, I'm here all week.

Stephen Mulhern

I have a theory that every man, and several women, between the ages of 26 and 32 in the United Kingdom at one point either owned or new somebody who owned a copy of 'Stephen Mulhern's Magic Tricks You Can Do Too'. The bloke was absolutely ubiquitous under Christmas trees in the early to mid '00s, and he has carried that omnipresence into the world of light entertainment. Catchphrase, All Star Mr & Mrs, Dancing On Ice: Defrosted, Ministry of Mayhem, Celebrity Catchphrase, the Junior Eurovision Song Contest, a revamped version of Deal or No Deal - you name it, Mulhern has hosted it. But there is a darkness to the sorcerer. I see it in his eyes, sense it in the shadows lurking behind his bleached grin. Mark my words, he is this country's Saruman. When the darkness begins to rise, he will be the first to turn...

Geri Halliwell

Ginger Spice is a surprisingly potent presence on the right wing. She did, after all, once claim that Margaret Thatcher was the 'First Spice Girl', and who can deny her jingoistic patriotism when she's charging around in that sequinned Union Jack dress, like something taken straight from the new Boohoo x Nigel Farage collaborative range? Still, she's arguably got nothing on bandmate Mel B. When asked during a segment on The Eric Andre Show if the aforementioned female Prime Minister had 'girl power', the singer responded, 'Yes of course'. When then asked if she thought Thatcher had 'effectively utilised girl power by funnelling money to illegal paramilitary death squads in Northern Ireland', Mel B responded, 'I don’t know about that.'

Churchill the Dog

Say it with me, folks: OHHHHHH YESSSSSSS!!! Churchill, the nodding dog, not the wartime leader, is as English as tea addiction or seasonal depression. His stocky frame and low centre of gravity would make him a scrappy combatant in the centre of the park, and, I reckon, an unapologetic distributor of reducers that result in injuries which will make you wish you had a decent insurance policy.

Howard from the Halifax Adverts

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

The cultured, intellectual foil to Churchill's gritty rough-housing. Like Confucius, Voltaire, or Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, Howard Brown has a proper, full name, but prefers to be known by a solo moniker. In 2011, he actually left Halifax, and we can only assume that 13 years later, he is still a free agent. I like to imagine that he would play football in specially-adapted goggles, like Edgar Davids, but really, really boring.


A sort of anti-Halliwell, if you will. Since walking/being cruelly shunted away from the charts, Jamelia has proven herself to be a proper left-leaning comrade, campaigning on behalf of former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and speaking out on a whole range of social injustices. Admittedly, her pantheon has largely been the Loose Women panel table, but nevertheless, her efforts are commendable. Plus, she was one married to former EFL journeyman Darren Byfield. Does that count for something in a footballing sense? Perhaps not, but it's a decent piece of trivia.

Harry Kane

The main man himself, the reason that this glittering constellation of stars has been willed into being. There were those who had their doubts about Harry Kane moving to Germany last summer, but since touching down in Bavaria, he has been nothing short of magnificent. Currently on 22 goals and five assists in 16 Bundesliga outings, he is slowly becoming inevitable, and it is surely only a matter of time before he wins a first trophy of his senior career.


And finally, Kane is going to need a right-hand man up top alongside him. I thought about chucking in Gareth Gates, such is his proclivity for playing second fiddle to a more universally admired focal point (in this analogy, Kane is Will Young), but ultimately, how many singers can you have in one starting XI? We're building a football team here, not a nostalgia-heavy, pop-centric bill for a music festival at Butlin's Skegness! As such, I've opted for arguably the greatest British sidekick of them all, Piglet. Unconcerned with the limelight and the honey, loyal to a fault, and presumably very difficult to mark on account of the fact that he is, canonically, ten inches tall, the little porker feels like the ideal striker partner for Kane. (In this analogy, Kane is Winnie the Pooh.)

Comment Guidelines

National World encourages reader discussion on our stories. User feedback, insights and back-and-forth exchanges add a rich layer of context to reporting. Please review our Community Guidelines before commenting.