Bayern Munich’s 27-0 friendly win benefited nobody - including Bayern Munich

After the tenth went in just before the half hour mark, you started to suspect that there might be no way back for FC Rottach-Egern. By the time the final whistle blew and the dust from the abacuses had settled into the crevices and crannies of a 27-0 defeat, those suspicions were soundly confirmed.

On Tuesday, the Bavarian outfit - operating in the ninth tier of German football as they do - played Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich in a preseason friendly. Then again, ‘played’ might be pushing it a touch. It would be more accurate to suggest that they ‘witnessed’ Thomas Tuchel’s side, or ‘spent 90 minutes impersonating garden gnomes’.

This was, numerically and spiritually, an absolute bloodbath. There have been encounters between mounds of grit salt and sheets of ice that have ended in less one-sided outcomes. It was a squash match in every sense, like when the old WWF used to roll through the territories and Andre the Giant would be booked to spend a couple of minutes kicking seven bells out of some local jobber to get a pop from the cheap seats.

And as is so often the case when you rewatch footage of a podgy, small town mechanic in a pair of lycra trunks being body-slammed by a man with fists the size of ride-on lawnmowers, you find yourself pondering one key question; why?

Who exactly does a friendly like this, between the six-time champions of Europe and a club who don’t even have their own Wikipedia page, benefit? For Bayern, the most strenuous part of the afternoon will have been the 35-mile coach journey out of central Munich, and for Rottach-Egern, the cost of therapy for their shell-shocked players will surely outstrip any revenue from inflated ticket sales.

You could perhaps argue that there is a novel, anecdotal appeal for those poor, poor victims of Bayern’s casual bulldozing - although, if we’re being fastidious, it’s hard to envisage the grandkids being overly proud when you tell them that Marcel Sabitzer scored five past you in 22 minutes back during the sepia-tinged summer of 2023.

And true, it is a rare joy for supporters to be able to watch Die Roten in their hometown on a €10 ticket, but again, you would imagine that some of the magic had grown a tad stale by the time the referee blew for the interval with the visitors 18-0 ahead.

Maybe this is hyper-cynical; maybe everybody involved, on both sides of the tectonic divide, had the most wonderful time and made memories that they will reflect on with cherished fondness as they rest gently on their deathbeds. If they did, and if they do, I will rescind my scepticism and apologise earnestly for my grouchiness.

But even the most glittering of friendlies are constructed on a framework of mild futility. They serve their purpose as elaborate golden geese and tactical pillow fights, but otherwise matter for very little besides. When they’re as insanely imbalanced as Bayern’s pestling of their neighbouring minnows, however, they might as well have not happened at all.