The six big Chelsea summer transfer deals that are already in the pipeline

We cut now to a well-appointed conference room deep within the concrete bowels of Stamford Bridge. A gaggle of excitable corporate types pace back and forth, each repeatedly sinking their generously-heeled loafers into the excessive shag of a royal blue carpet, each enraptured by the busy little conversations happening ceaselessly in their ears and jargon-spheres. Fluorescent strip lighting glints off Bluetooth headsets; quarter-zip sleeves are wilfully rolled up to podgy elbows; bloodstreams are slowly, alchemically becoming more Americano than plasma. In the corner, a filing cabinet has caught fire. Nobody notices.

This is Chelsea’s transfer recruitment strategy nucleus hub committee, aka Mission Control, aka Moonbase Alpha, aka Todd Almighty and His Disciples. Needless to say, business is booming. Booming in a manner akin to a hand grenade being tossed into an industrial pottery kiln, but booming nonetheless.

Why, there he is now, the man himself! Mr. Boehly; the Yank with the Bank, the Eater of Worlds. He’s on the phone with Bayern Munich, according to The Guardian, trying to fashion a deal for Germany international Jamal Musiala. It’s a thankless task, partially because Manchester City have also identified the forward as a priority target ahead of the summer transfer window, and partially because Bayern have no intention of selling him whatsoever. Not that a petty detail like that will deter ol’ Todd.

To his left, his right hand man, Rod. He’s waist high in tense negotiations with representatives from RB Leipzig over a prospective deal for promising young striker Benjamin Sesko, as per Ben Jacobs. The Slovenian is still unbowed and untarnished by the crushing weight of adulthood’s intrinsic monotony, and that appeals - not just to the Blues, but also to Manchester United. Still, Chelsea could steal a march on the Red Devils by either, A) acting faster (Sesko Express), or B) paying more (Sesko Extra) to secure his signature.

To Rod’s right, his left hand man, Brod. In between grunted affirmations and panicked mumbles, he chews away at a large stick, using his synthetically-enhanced beaver teeth to gnaw and whittle it to a threatening point. It is with this sylvan shank that he will look to fend off Liverpool and Paris Saint-Germain, who are both circling with intent over Levi Colwill’s back garden. Or so GiveMeSport say.

Perhaps when Brod is done with his lance, he can lend it to his squash partner and closest professional confidant, Plod. He’s got a right job on his hands, menacingly shadowboxing in the general direction of anybody - like, say, Newcastle United, according to The Chronicle - who so much as dares to glance at Conor Gallagher. Plod’s arms are getting tired, and he hasn’t slept since last January. He misses his children, Plod Jr and The Other One, very much.

Sat on Plod’s shoulders, like the head of an underwhelming totem pole, is Zod. He’s also got magpie-related issues - largely because Newcastle are tussling with Chelsea for the acquisition of Arsenal outcast Aaron Ramsdale, as per Caught Offside, but also in part due to the feathered fiend that has taken to stalking him and pecking at the fake Rolex he wears on his wrist whenever he turns his head away for more than a second at a time. He’s been considering the purchase of an air rifle. Or failing that, a real rifle.

And then, of course, there is Oddbod. He’s been doing laps of the conference table in the centre of the room, knocking office chairs and hoagie wrappers hither and thither, screaming the words ‘Not again! Not again! Not again!’, for the past six hours straight. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what has triggered this paroxysm, but it might have something to do with a report from Gazzetta dello Sport suggesting that AS Roma will not be buying Romelu Lukaku this summer, and will instead be sending him back to Stamford Bridge with a little note in his back pocket that simply reads: ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’