The mystery candidates who could be the 'unknown' on Chelsea's managerial shortlist

Oh, Todd. Every day you find new and exciting ways to baffle and delight me. Whether it is handing out contracts to unproven continental prospects that run longer than the average mortgage, or simply sacking the manager you have repeatedly declared faith in after an unbeaten run of six matches and a successful European qualification bid, you truly are the maddest lad in the Premier League. Love ya, buddy.

The latest development in Chelsea’s sudden hunt for a new manager/victim (delete as applicable) is a report stating that the Blues have drawn up a shortlist of four potential options for their menacing vacancy: Enzo Maresca, who they are said to be talking to presently; Kieran McKenna, Thomas Frank, and - in a deliciously Boehlian twist, an unknown candidate. It’s less ‘cloak and dagger’, more ‘quarter-zip and butter knife’.

And so, in the interest of very serious journalism, allow me to ruminate a little on who this fourth mystery man/being/entity could be. Tenner says, in pure jest, I hit the nail on the head...

Thomas Tuchel

An actual suggestion to kick us off. Tuchel was, of course, ousted by Boehly many moons ago, but has since become a free agent following his departure from Bayern Munich and, crucially, has refused to rule out a return to Stamford Bridge. If I was a Chelsea fan, I would be urging Todd Almighty to go, club shop baseball cap in hand, begging the German to enact a sensational homecoming. Will it happen? No, it won’t.

Mauricio Pochettino

You wouldn’t put it past them, would you? At times, it feels like Chelsea are conducting a social experiment into what would happen if a bunch of pearlescent teethed hedge fund managers were dropped into a boardroom and asked to act out a scene-for-scene recreation of Lord of the Flies. In amongst all of that chaos, there is always the sliver of a possibility that Pochettino was sacked by accident, and that Todd is now desperately trying to negotiate his return. Don’t do it, Mauricio. Run free. Run far.

Alan Curbishley

Presumably doing nothing, aside from the odd appearance on GB News, and would therefore be an affordable hire. (Money doesn’t grown on trees, Curbishley Your Enthusiasm.) I was today years old when I found out that his name is actually Llewellyn Charles Curbishley. The more you know.

Todd Boehly, himself

This thought has crossed his mind at least once in the past 24 hours, I can absolutely guarantee it. After all, how hard can soccer management actually be? Balance the offence and the defence, put another goal-tender or two in the nets (a loophole which nobody seems to be exploiting, by the way), and if things are going poorly at half-time have a VHS copy of the speech from Sam Weisman’s 1994 magnum opus D2: The Mighty Ducks waiting on standby to lift morale. Say it with me, folks: ‘We are ducks, and ducks fly together!’

The Unknown

I mean, it says it right there on the shortlist. It would be a bit of a step up from The Willy Wonka Experience, granted, but Boehly has a proven track record for giving youth a chance. Alternatively, just stick Marc Cucurella in a silver mask and nobody would know the difference.

It’s actually Frank Lampard, isn’t it?