Everton’s Princess Diana lookalike, Wolves usurped by Barcelona, and Aston Villa’s American beauty

‘Spare’. It’s a word that anybody with even a passing online presence will have become acutely fed up with in recent days, and one that we are all likely to bludgeon with repeatedly in the coming weeks and months. Prince Harry - a man who at once appears fairly decent but also seemingly has no qualms about boastfully writing of the 25 lives he has apparently taken - officially releases his tell-all memoir next week, but already the juiciest and sleaziest of excerpts are circulating on social media with all the itching disdain of head lice in a kindergarten. ‘Spare’ is seemingly a tale of inappropriate fancy dress, princely fisticuffs, and frostbitten penises that will no doubt drive monarchists everywhere, well, spare. Disney, this ain’t.

But how fitting for us that in the eye of this scandalous regal hurricane, today’s transfer speculation has taken on a decidedly royal hue. Take, for instance, Anthony Gordon, Britain’s foremost Princess Diana lookalike, who has reportedly seen his stock plummet in recent times. It wasn’t so long ago that Everton could have gotten £60 million for him, now they’d be lucky to get six teabags. Chelsea, Newcastle United, and Tottenham all wipe their brows with the back of their hands and skulk away from the scene in relief.

Elsewhere, Barcelona - a club who have taken to treating their centre forward signings like hastily usurped prince regents - are said to be psyching themselves up to approach Wolves over a potential deal for Raul Jimenez. As the Catalan giants prepare to sign yet another Premier League striker over the age of 30, we ask ourselves once more, ‘Do they have a type?’. All we’re saying is, somebody lock up Jamie Vardy.

And finally, Aston Villa, beloved club of up-and-coming pugilist William ‘The Future King’ Fury, have expressed an interest in signing Weston McKennie alongside Tottenham and Bournemouth. That update comes from the one true sovereign of the transfer window, Fabrizio Romano.