Liverpool’s knuckle tattoo, Newcastle United’s time warp, and Everton’s spam sandwiches

No time for a proper intro today, too busy watching clips of a half-cut David Moyes dancing around a dressing room in Prague to The Proclaimers. I am in no way affiliated to West Ham United and yet I couldn’t be more delighted for them after last night’s Europa Conference League triumph over Fiorentina.

It’s moments like this that football fans the world over dream of, and that allow the rest of us to hope against hope that it might one day be us living it large on a Wednesday night in Eastern Europe. In the meantime, Moysey, Jarrod Bowen, Declan Rice, Mark Noble, Danny Dyer, Dani Dyer, Ray Winstone, Hammerhead the mascot, Keira Knightley, the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock, and even James Corden; congratulations, sincerely. Drink it in, enjoy it, and have a gander at these completely unrelated Premier League transfer rumours.

Liverpool hold Kone talks

Fresh off the back of completing the most elaborate heist involving a Mac Allister since Home Alone, Liverpool are understood to be on the hunt for yet more midfield reinforcements, and have opened talks with the agent of Borussia Monchengladback star Manu Kone, according to Daily Express reporter Ryan Taylor.

Addressing the Reds’ transfer business, when asked whether the Frenchman would be a good signing, the journalist said: “I think the clear message would be if he’s a player that Jurgen Klopp wants to sign, then the answer would be yes. There have been talks with his representatives.”

The 3AM Verdict: Liverpool are wasting absolutely no time this summer, and you have to admire their pro-active approach to the transfer market after a season that seriously underwhelmed. Kone is a player of obvious talent and potential, and one who would bring some much needed energy to the Reds’ midfield. Plus, his name would make a good knuckle tattoo.

Newcastle face Ekitike and Pulisic updates

Cast your mind back to the distant past, the year 2022. The United Kingdom still has a queen and Artificial Intelligience is merely the preserve of campy sci-fi blockbusters, rather than a looming threat to our entire way of life as an inter-connected global society. They were simpler times.

Those yearning for the halcyon days of *checks notes* last summer, however, need only look as far as Newcastle United’s transfer links for a shot of good ol’ fashioned rose-tinted nostalgia. The world may keep turning, but apparently the Magpies’ recruitment aspirations do not. Or at least the people writing about them don’t.

According to reports in France, one-time Toon target Hugo Ekitike could be sold by Paris Saint-Germain in the coming months, just a year after arriving in the French capital. Commence the reignition claims. Elsewhere, Newcastle are also being mentioned in relation to Christian Pulisic. Again. Although this time, it is worth pointing out that they are categorically not interested in signing the one they call MAGA-dona.

The 3AM Verdict: This seems fair enough. Not much has changed in a year to dissuade Newcastle from making their move on a 20-year-old who they were so patently eager to sign just a short while ago, and if Ekitike is indeed available, it makes sense that the Magpies would reignite their efforts to sign him. By contrast, Pulisic has done little in the time since to convince anybody of his sustained worth, or his potential for the future. There are probably better, cheaper options out there. Like Ekitike.

Everton keen on Dembele

And finally, Everton are reportedly interested in signing former Celtic striker Moussa Dembele on a free transfer. The Frenchman is sans club having left Lyon at the end of the season, and the Toffees are understood to be considering a bargain swoop as part of a fiscally tentative transfer policy this summer. In other words, they’re a bit skint.

But hey, at least their new stadium is going to be nice. They’ll be like a bankrupted tycoon rattling around in their empty mansion eating nothing but spam sandwiches and fading memories for tea every night.

The 3AM Verdict: Facetiousness aside, this could be a decent signing for Everton. Dembele is a proven goalscorer, and it is far better that the Toffees try to operate within their means while they balance the books and steady the ship rather than over-extending and scuttling themselves in the long term.