Spurs’ forehead thinking and Chelsea’s great vengeance and furious anger

There is a vast wealth of data available to football clubs these days, and many of them use every last drop of it to piece together their transfer moves. Acceleration, progressive carries, xG and a thousand more little snippets of statistical information come together to provide informed decisions. Now Tottenham Hotspur have come up with a new data point with which to balance their team – forehead ratio.

With Harry Kane increasingly likely to leave Spurs this summer, they’ve recognised that their forehead-to-player percentage will drop substantially, and it’s on that basis that they’ve identified the mighty slab of Harry Maguire’s colossal cranium as a key addition. Well, it’s that or they just think he’s still a decent player. But we’re going with the former, anyway.

Word is that United are willing to pay up to £10m to Maguire just to leave this summer, which can’t be good for the chap’s ego, but could at least smooth his way to Spurs if the north Londoners do decide that they can fix him. Whether The Telegraph’s suggestion that Kane could be persuaded to stay by Maguire’s presence is debatable – but it’s quite sweet to think that the England captain could put away all thoughts of winning any silverware by having his buddy about. Aww. Football fwends.

The 3AM Verdict: Harry Maguire may have become more walking meme than man at this point, but his displays for England at the World Cup proved that there is still a player in there. Somewhere. Deep down. Very deep down. Could Spurs really sort him out? Well, if he’s on a free, you can’t blame there for giving it a go.

Tedium for the Tielemans

There’s something almost a little dull about Aston Villa’s ambitious summer transfer work – they’re getting ready to splash the cash about but seem to be doing so in a very considered, sensible and rational way. Can’t someone take some notes from Todd Boehly and give us all a laugh? Couldn’t they at least buy some players who merit a “personal life” section on Wikipedia which isn’t just the name of their wife?

The latest rumours suggest that they’ve going to be signing Youri Tielemans on a free after his departure from Leicester City – yep, good signing, smart, dull – and according to 90mins are also looking to add either Pau Torres or Aymeric Laporte to their defence, which are also very good signings if they can be pulled off but not especially funny. Where’s the commitment to comedy? Well, probably at Chelsea, based on recent history. Did they buy all the laugh as well?

The 3AM Verdict: Tielemans would clearly be a handy addition on a free, and there’s not much more to add there. Pau Torres and Aymeric Laporte are also very good at football. What else can you say? If they can persuade them to come to Birmingham, then Aston Villa will a better side for it. Good for them. Now go and spend £50m on an obscure Ecuadorian or sign Harry Maguire or something, give us all something to get our teeth into.

Viva Gabi Veiga

So what are Chelsea up to now? Well, they’re planning to meet the €40m buyout clause attached to the contract of Celta Vigo’s rising midfield star Gabi Veiga – at least according to The Guardian. Rumours that he is related to Vince from Pulp Fiction remain unconfirmed. He probably bought the wallet though, didn’t he?

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Liverpool are also considering making an offer for Veiga, so the 21-year-old Spaniard may well have some options. Which is presumably bad news for Chelsea, given that they’ve made themselves a pretty tough sell of late.

The 3AM Verdict: Sadly for those of us hoping to make some more cheap jokes at Chelsea’s expense in order to fill out the word count, this actually looks like an astute signing, at least for a team that need some goals from midfield to make up for the fact that they aren’t scoring any up front either. Veiga struck 11 times in La Liga this season – presumably with great vengeance and furious anger - and picked up four assists as well. He looks quite good, although we’re sure that Chelsea can soon fix that.