Man Utd’s big-money pet tiger cub, Liverpool’s tug of war, and Arsenal’s £26m Los Lobos tribute act

How does one articulate the sound of a klaxon through the written word? Wahhhhhhh, wahhhhhhh, wahhhhhhh? Ahooga, ahooga? Just the phrase ‘klaxon sound’ between two asterisks, like this: *klaxon sound*? Answers on a postcard, please.

Regardless, this is your two week warning. A fortnight today, the transfer window will officially open for English and Scottish clubs, and the feeding frenzy shall begin in earnest. Until then, we have 14 days to get our affairs in order, and to brush up on all the gossip that we can physically cram into our exhausted craniums. Let us begin...

Neymar dreams of Old Trafford

There are Manchester United signings, and then there are Manchester United signings, if you catch my drift. The Red Devils have developed an unfortunate proclivity for parachuting in players slightly past their prime, like milk you might use in tea but not on cereal, and handing them big, mega, humongous contracts once they arrive at Old Trafford. Agents must view the Red Devils in the same way that slick-talking criminal masterminds view casino bank vaults in low budget heist movies; one last job, one last score.

Anyways, with that in mind, Foot Mercato are reporting that PSG forward Neymar has his heart set on a move to the North West this summer, and can only envisage himself in Paris or Manchester next season. The duality of man.

The 3AM Verdict: You want an opinion? Okay, here’s an opinion. Having only recently ridded themselves of one generational attention vacuum whose ego massively hindered the tactical harmony of Erik ten Hag’s squad, the last thing United need is to recruit another. Signing Neymar might be fun in the same way that it might be fun to have a pet tiger cub; in other words, it would look cool for a while, but one day it’s going to grow up and eat your face.

Liverpool want Bruno

Newcastle United have Bruno in the middle. Famously. What the chant fails to specify, however, is that he is in fact in the middle of a transfer tug of war between Liverpool and Barcelona this summer. The Brazilian midfielder, already a cult hero on Tyneside, is understood to be attracting attention, with Goal reporting that the Reds and the Catalan giants have both made enquiries as to his availability.

For their part, the Magpies are eager to hang on to Guimaraes, and it is suggested that they plan to make him one of the highest paid players in the Premier League in an effort to do so. Throwing dizzying sums of money at a problem until it just sort of magically resolves itself; that’s the Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia way!

The 3AM Verdict: Look, I get it. I get why Liverpool want Bruno, and I get why Newcastle want to keep him so desperately. The Brazilian has been a revelation on Tyneside, and in years to come, when the trophy cabinet is wheezing under the weight of morally dubious silverware, he will be regarded by many as the face of the watershed. With that in mind, Liverpool might be barking up the wrong tree here.

Bamba in demand

And finally, according to O Jogo, Arsenal and Aston Villa are said to be duking it out in an effort to sign Vitoria Guimares defender Ibrahima Bamba. The Italian is understood to have a release clause of around £26 million, and is also capable of playing in front of the back four.

Both the Gunners and the Villans are keen, but ultimately, only one will afford their supporters the opportunity to butcher Los Lobos’ classic party hit on the terraces next season.

The 3AM Verdict: It is testament to the level of ambition at Villa Park that Unai Emery’s side are regularly being mentioned in the same breath as the top six in relation to their transfer targets this summer. At 21, Bamba is young, versatile, and would be a exciting asset for either club.