Transfer rumours: Ronaldo’s ego finds new home, Liverpool’s Bellingham frenzy, Man Utd’s £43m demand

All the latest transfer news from around the Premier League. Kind of.
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How fitting that Cristiano Ronaldo, the patron saint of taking the hump, looks set to find his new home in the land of the camel. The even-toed ungulate (thanks, Wikipedia!) is the national animal of Saudi Arabia (thanks again, Wikipedia!), and stores fatty tissue in its signature back lump to convert into energy at a later date in much the same way that Ronaldo retains grudges in his Adam’s apple to fire the great smoke-belching pistons of his ego.

Reports from Spanish outlet Marca suggest that the Portugal international, currently sans club following his departure from Manchester United, could be in line for a big money move to Al Nassr. Perhaps he’s spent a fortnight in Qatar, immersing himself in the sandy dunes, spice markets, and human rights controversies and thought, ‘This is a bit of me, like’. Or perhaps he has been lured by a mooted annual salary of around £173 million, the largest in global football by quite some distance. Honestly, who can say?

With Ronaldo now a shrinking speck in the rearview mirror of Erik ten Hag’s groovy double decker love bus, however, United have freed up a coathanger in the dressing room at Old Trafford for a brand new sucker. Sorry, striker. Cody Gakpo, a man who was to last summer’s transfer window what the Furby was to Christmas 1998, remains the most hotly-tipped candidate to press his lips to the poisoned chalice, and his impressive turn for the Netherlands in Qatar is only enhancing his reputation. Because when has bringing in a Dutchman off the back of a promising international tournament ever gone wrong for the Red Devils before?

Gakpo, with his name like a Star Wars spin-off protagonist, looks almost certain to force (please, hold your applause) through an exit from PSV Eindhoven this winter, but he is unlikely to come cheap. Transfer guru Fabrizio Romano, slowly thawing from his unholy slumber ahead of a month-long feeding frenzy, like a hibernating bear craving a midnight snack, suggests that a price tag of around £43 million could be attached to any agreement.

Meanwhile in Liverpool, Football Twitter has stepped up its hysterical paranoia to DEFCON 4 after Trent Alexander-Arnold posted a photo of him and Jude Bellingham enjoying a stroll along Doha’s waterfront. Presumably, he was trying to convince the Borussia Dortmund wunderkind that it is the spitting dabs of the Royal Albert Dock. Honest, la.

And finally, in north London, Arsenal and Tottenham may only have to pay a bargain fee to sign Marcus Thuram. According to Bild, Borussia Monchengladbach have conceded that they are likely to lose the France international in the coming months, and would rather get some money for him than absolutely no money at all. Savvy. A bid of around £6 million could be enough to secure the services of a striker who has already hit 13 goals this season. Or they could sign Cristiano Ronaldo for a fortnight. Tough call.