Cristiano Ronaldo’s new beef, Man Utd deal could prompt Rammstein chant, Arsenal and Spurs’ Scalextric dispute

All the latest Premier League transfer news. Kind of.

Another day, another Cristiano Ronaldo tiff. The man is moving like the doomed antagonist of an Agatha Christie adaptation. If he is smart, he’ll have Piers Morgan taste test all of his meals from now on, just in case.

According to reports in Italy, the 37-year-old has parachuted in his lawyers to demand a £17 million payment from former club Juventus. Given the ‘huge offer’ he is said to be mulling over from Saudi outfit Al Nassr, as well as the stunningly melodramatic resignation of the Old Lady’s entire board last week, Ronaldo’s sudden intervention exudes distinct ‘Sorry about your dog, mate, but you could you fire over the fiver for that pint when you get a sec’ vibes.

It is suggested that the Turin club have failed to uphold their end of an agreement which mysteriously failed to appear in either the club’s balance sheet or on the stock market, all while they continue to be investigated for fraudulent player transfers in recent seasons. Thusly, Ronaldo’s timing comes with all the self-obsessed panache of a soap opera cliffhanger. Presumably, half the population of Turin now joins his personal list of potential whodunnit suspects, alongside Erik ten Hag, Fernando Santos, 70% of Portugal, Wayne Rooney, Ralf Rangnick, former Plymouth Argyle and Rotherham United defender Kari Arnason, and KFC’s Twitter admin.

Meanwhile, Ronaldo’s former employers/captors (delete as applicable) Manchester United are understood to be lining up a bid to sign Swiss goalkeeper Yann Sommer on a free transfer. The Red Devils are in the market for a player who could compete with, and potentially succeed, metalcore Whoville resident David de Gea, and believe that the 33-year-old could be the man to do so. Certainly, he has the quality, but with his 34th birthday fast approaching, his could be a fleeting stint at Old Trafford. Something of an Indian Sommer, if you will.

If the stopper does sign, United fans should do us all a favour and adapt Rammstein’s ‘Sonne’ into a chant for him. (’Eins, here comes Yann Sommer’). Likewise, if any Norwich City supporters want to do something with Teemu Pukki and Limp Bizkit’s ‘Nookie’, you can have that one for free.

And finally, CalcioMercato report that, like two bawling children embroiled in a bitter blood feud over who gets the next go on the Scalextric, Arsenal and Tottenham are tussling for the signature of Ecuadorian defender Piero Hincapie. Still only 20, the Bayer Leverkusen talent is accruing quite the reputation on the continent, so much so that AC Milan, Inter, Napoli, and AS Roma are all understood to be keeping tabs on him too. A fee of around £25 million could be enough to lure him to north London, whether that be the red or white half.

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