Chelsea’s toaster bath, Tottenham’s greased pole, and Arsenal’s name debate

We’re all still waiting for the ‘no, but seriously’. Frank Lampard, mild-mannered seesaw and Stamford Bridge icon, looks set to be appointed Chelsea interim manager until the end of the season. Insert Ian Wright/PE teacher meme here.

As far as shocks go, this is like jamming a butterknife into a live toaster. Actually, scratch that, this is more jamming a machete in there while wearing metal gauntlets. Still, seeing as Todd Boehly came to believe that persisting with Graham Potter would have been akin to taking a bath with said toaster, and given that trying to appoint a serious option at this stage of the campaign is like trying to convince someone to hop in that tub with you, maybe there is some merit to an interim custodian who the fans will never truly, truly turn on. Besides, the alternative is that Bruno Saltor leads them out at the Bernabeu next week.

Lampard really can’t afford to get too comfy though. This is strictly a temporary arrangement, you understand? As if to emphasise that point, Fabrizio Romano claims that Chelsea have already held positive talks with both Julian Nagelsmann and Luis Enrique, who has been causing quite the furore on social media of late as certain people take their middle finger, adjust their glasses a little on the bridge of their nose and insist that actually his name is Luis Enrique Martínez García, and that calling him Luis Enrique is like referring to the author of The Tell-Tale Heart as Edgar Allan.

For many this is a kind of ‘I was today years old...’ epiphany, like realising that there is a bear hidden in the Toblerone logo. For others, it really doesn’t matter. Either way, it will be hilarious to see the fallout if Lampard somehow wins the Champions League and is then immediately ousted in favour of the Spaniard due to contractual obligations.

Elsewhere, Tottenham are said to be in pole position to sign Leicester City midfielder James Maddison, according to the Telegraph. Problem is, however, that said pole could soon be greased up with all kinds of oil money. Newcastle United have been interested in the English midfielder since Adam was a lad, and when the mighty Kingdom of Geordie Arabia decide that they would like to buy something, very few clubs can stand in their way these days. A fee of around £50 million should do the trick.

And finally, Football Insider suggest that Arsenal have opened talks with Maddison’s Leicester teammate Youri Tielemans. Presumably this is to discuss the prospect of a summer transfer given that he is out of contract at the King Power, and isn’t just to field his views on the great Luis Enrique name debate. Be warned though, Newcastle are also keen. Pesky multi-multi-multi-billionaires...