What every England player is going to do with their souvenir Harry Kane golden record

The worst present I think I ever received was a Dove shampoo and conditioner set from my Nana last Christmas. I have been bald since the February of 2020.

Still, I mustered my faked my smiles and I said my thank yous because it’s what you do, isn’t it? You would wager that there were more than a few insincere expressions of gratitude in the England camp this week too.

In a gesture that perhaps even Alan Partridge would have deemed to be a little too kitsch and on the nose, Harry Kane - captain, talisman, gift-giver extraordinaire - took it upon himself to commemorate his recent breaking of the national team’s all-time goalscoring record by presenting each of his teammates with a golden, broken record. Do you get it? DO YOU BLOODY GET IT?!

In the days since, the photograph of the Three Lions squad, all sat around with their big shiny discs like Blazin’ Squad or something, has garnered quite the deluge of attention on social media - as it rightfully should. Really, it is an image that requires deep contemplation and much studious dedication. Every face is a multi-faceted sketch of the human condition, every hollow grin houses a complex galaxy of the mortal affliction.

Those aren’t really themes that we deal with too often here at 3 Added Minutes, but we do have a knack for making up tangential nonsense that has no relevance to the game of football whatsoever. With that in mind, here is what every member of the England squad is going to do with their very own Harry Kane Broken Golden Record^TM. Probably.

Jordan Henderson

Takes one look at the thing, asks what he’s supposed to do with it, and lobs it at a pigeon.

Kieran Trippier

Three words; straight on eBay. Ever the astute wheeler dealer, he forges Harry’s signature across glass in Sharpie, but manages to spell ‘Kane’ incorrectly.

John Stones

After a quick ‘gonna hang this in the Louuuuuvre’ joke, Stones instead stows his disc in the attic, leaving it to gather dust with his Everton Young Player of the Year 2014/15 award and his Carabao Cup winners medals.

Harry Maguire

Pride of place above the mantelpiece, sandwiched between a framed scrap of that inflatable unicorn that he rode at the 2018 World Cup and his beloved signed photo of Paul Chuckle.

Jack Grealish

Let’s be honest, he’s already lost it, hasn’t he?

Aaron Ramsdale

The Arsenal physio room just found itself a new dartboard...

Jordan Pickford

JP tries taking the monstrosity to his nearest branch of Ramsdens, but is disappointed to learn that it is in fact made of spray painted wax rather than actual solid gold. By the end of the week it is in the front window of a CEX in Washington.

Kyle Walker

Donates it to his local Indian takeaway, where it hangs proudly next to a three-star hygiene rating and a newspaper clipping from the time that the owner made a citizen’s arrest on a local flasher.

Sam Johnstone

Sam Johnstone has wonky leg on the sideboard in his home study. Or at least, he used to.

Marc Guehi

Genuinely baffled as to why he has been given one. Guehi spends the rest of his days haunted by the souvenir, unable to get rid of it no matter how hard he tries - its tacky glint following him from new home to new home like a cursed porcelain doll or that jar of Chinese 5 Spice you have tucked away at the back of your kitchen cupboard. It is the last thing he sees on his deathbed.

Bukayo Saka

Far too nice to just bin it, Saka is straight on the phone to his mother asking if she works with anybody who has a Tottenham-supporting niece or nephew. When they get to university that kid then uses a photo of it hanging on their childhood bedroom wall as an icebreaker for the entirety of freshers week.

Phil Foden

Gives it to his kid to use as a frisbee. Due to the unorthodox shape of the cracked disc, however, the thing never flies straight, and instead little Ronnie terrorises the neighbours with what is, in essence, a 12-inch ninja death star.

Luke Shaw

Glues it back together with his bestest Pritt Stick and uses it as a pretendy steering wheel while he sits at the back of the team coach. He yearns for the day that he can hang up his boots and fulfil his lifelong dream of becoming a mini-bus driver.

Tyrone Mings

Downstairs bathroom.

Callum Wilson

Downstairs bathroom.

Conor Gallagher

I don’t know, downstairs bathroom?

Marcus Rashford

Plasters it to his bedroom ceiling like a mirror in seedy motel room. Every night he likes awake staring at it, like that scene in Shrek 2 where the big green lad has insomnia, wondering if he has truly lived up to his full potential.

James Maddison

Ever the prankster, Madders gift wraps the disc and gives it Jamie Vardy as a leaving present just before completing a £50 million from Leicester City to Newcastle United on Deadline Day. Slightly perplexed, the veteran striker never does find out why his former teammate chose to bestow upon him a frame-mounted half-eaten poppadom. Still, he takes great delight in tricking his children into eating it on Rebekah’s next curry night.

Declan Rice

Known for his impressive collection of football shirts gifted to him from fellow professionals, I could genuinely see Rice treasuring Kane’s little momento. There it goes, right on the wall of his spare bedroom, and it is earnestly very much appreciated.

Kalv pops his disc right in amongst the rest of his collection of shiny things that he has received for doing absolutely bugger all this season.