Man City’s baby blue Death Star, Chelsea’s black cab crash, and Everton’s holed tarpaulin

All the latest Premier League transfer news, including Man City, Chelsea, and Everton.

Pep Guardiola stands on the bridge of his baby blue Death Star, staring out into the impenetrable infinite. With one index finger he traces a series of imagined pathways across a table-top map of the vast cosmos, and with the other he absent-mindedly dusts at the edge of a framed photograph of David Moyes he keeps on his intergalactic war machine’s dashboard. He is, for the most part, content. Soon enough, it will all be his; Arsenal are imploding like a shoebox diorama of Alderaan, and the Champions League - that elusive enchantress - is beckoning ever brighter.

There is one minor concern, however. A figurative thermal exhaust pipe in his armour, so to speak, about the size of a womp rat, give or take. A little more midfield cover wouldn’t go amiss, you see, especially with all this simmering talk of Ilkay Gundogan slipping off in the summer. He turns away from his celestial windscreen and barks a brisk order at his nearest minion (it’s just John Stones in a silly little helmet). “Set a course for Dortmund”, he demands, “I want Jude Bellingham”.

DORTMUND, GERMANY - APRIL 08: Jude Bellingham of Borussia Dortmund looks dejected after Kevin Behrens of 1.FC Union Berlin scores their sides first goal during the Bundesliga match between Borussia Dortmund and 1. FC Union Berlin at Signal Iduna Park on April 08, 2023 in Dortmund, Germany. (Photo by Lars Baron/Getty Images)DORTMUND, GERMANY - APRIL 08: Jude Bellingham of Borussia Dortmund looks dejected after Kevin Behrens of 1.FC Union Berlin scores their sides first goal during the Bundesliga match between Borussia Dortmund and 1. FC Union Berlin at Signal Iduna Park on April 08, 2023 in Dortmund, Germany. (Photo by Lars Baron/Getty Images)
DORTMUND, GERMANY - APRIL 08: Jude Bellingham of Borussia Dortmund looks dejected after Kevin Behrens of 1.FC Union Berlin scores their sides first goal during the Bundesliga match between Borussia Dortmund and 1. FC Union Berlin at Signal Iduna Park on April 08, 2023 in Dortmund, Germany. (Photo by Lars Baron/Getty Images)

Meanwhile, Todd Boehly sits at the wheel of his R-plated royal blue Vauxhall Corsa, staring out into an impenetrable gridlock of West London traffic. With one index finger he fiddles with the tuner on his AM/FM radio, impatiently seeking out Heart ‘80s, and with the other he absent-mindedly flicks at a bobble-head of Honest Abe Lincoln that he keeps stuck to his dashboard. He is, for the most part, not content. Nobody told him that this football club ownership malarkey would be so fiendishly difficult, so pockmarked with cavernous potholes and inexplicable pitfalls. It’s bloody expensive too, turns out.

‘Perhaps one more signing would do the trick’, he muses. Maybe another new midfielder? That young Spanish prospect who he heard someone mention in passing on TalkSPORT the other day as he trawled the airwaves for a decent station that might actually play Huey Lewis and the News every once in a while? What was his name? Xavi? Gabby? Gavi! That was it! ‘Yeah, sod it’, he thinks, ‘Might as well have a punt on Gary’. He turns away from his grubby windscreen and promptly ploughs into the back of a black cab.

And finally, Everton don’t even have a vehicle. Sean Dyche and his ragtag band of chewed up, spat out Toffees are huddling by the side of the road under a holed tarpaulin, thumbing at passing drivers in desperation more than optimism, praying that somebody - anybody - might stop for them.

Coming down the road, approaching rapidly on one of those pedal-powered tricycles with the chunky back wheels and tassles on the handlebars, is Folarin Balogun. He’s done a runner from Arsenal, and he has no intention of going back. He spots Dyche and his broken posse on the hard shoulder, and just for a moment he wonders whether he should pull over...

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