Casting Jamie Vardy: who should play the Leicester City icon in highly-anticipated Hollywood biopic?

Allow me to take you behind the curtain, beyond the veil and into the dusty, technological guts of the journalistic slog. Every day, I receive dozens upon dozens of emails from PR companies, many of them with sensationalist subject headers, several of them with introductions that read ‘Dear [INSERT NAME HERE]’.

In the past 24 hours alone, I have been treated to frivolous communications entitled ‘DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE film boosts 'Wrexham' interest by 5,028%’, ‘AI Analysis Finds Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly More Attractive Than Kylie Jenner and Timothee Chalamet’, and ‘The home renovation injuries sending the most Brits to A&E, revealed’. (It’s falling off things, in case you were wondering. The vague umbrella of ‘stairs, ramps, landings, and floors’ comes in a distant second.)

But in amongst the dross, around noon on Thursday, one particular message did catch my eye. Right there, sandwiched between TikTok influencer power rankings and the hot list of summer 2024 honeymoon destinations, the words ‘Casting Jamie Vardy: See the Odds on Who Might Portray Leicester Star’ jumped out at me like a spring-loaded snake from a dummy peanut can.

The list of Hollywood superstars in contention to play the veteran radgie is quite something. It ranges from The Batman, Robert Pattinson, to former-One-Direction-singer-turned-cagoule-enthusiast, Louis Tomlinson, to Draco Malfoy himself, Tom Felton. And there, perched atop the bookmakers’ odds like a sickeningly handsome vulture, is Zac Efron. You read that correctly.

Efron, star of High School Musical and High School Musical 2 and High School Musical 3: Senior Year, is, by some way, the favourite to portray Vardy in a long-mooted biopic charting the centre forward’s remarkable rise from ankle-tagged non-league scrapper to impossible Premier League champion and celebrated England international.

Now, it would be wrong to flatly suggest that Efron does not have the dramatic chops for such an auspicious role. He was, in my humble opinion, robbed of an Oscar nomination for his interpretation of Kevin Von Erich in The Iron Claw last year, and his work as serial killer Ted Bundy in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile showed just how adept he is when assuming the identity of real, historical muses.

But something about Efron as Vardy feels off. It’s not because he’s American or looks as if he was hewn from precious ores by the gods themselves, but an intangible unsuitability that is difficult to articulate. And so, at the risk of being hamstrung by my own hubris, I thought I would give the casting a go myself - and not just for Vardy, but for all of the major characters in his astonishing story. Hollywood, take note.

Jamie Vardy - Aaron Paul

The lead, the central role, the biggest name on the poster. Whoever plays our Red Bull-guzzling protagonist needs to embody a certain everyman grit - a wiry, endearing bastardry. He has to be a fitting underdog with a dash of perfect lunacy and a sizzle of smart-mouthed wit. It is for these reasons that I truly believe Aaron Paul, he of Jesse Pinkman fame, was born to play Jamie Vardy. Grow that buzz cut out, whack him in royal blue wrist brace, and let him cook. If can’t get him, we go with our second choice, Dean Gaffney.

Rebekah Vardy - Lana Del Rey

As far as I can tell, based on my extensive research (googling her IMDB), Lana has never taken a major acting role before, but my mantra, as with most things in this life, is that if Lady Gaga can do it then why not have a bash too? Arguably the biggest gamble on this cast list, but there is a strong argument to be made for the quality of her performance and the overall watchability of the film being inversely correlated. Would also be made notably more entertaining by the fact that she has absolutely, without question never heard of Jamie Vardy in her life.

Claudio Ranieri - Robert De Niro

The heaviest of heavy artillery. This has ‘Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role’ written all over it. A gentle, timid portrayal with a cerebral steel simmering just beneath the surface. Would even fully advocate for De Niro going proper method in preparation for this one. Give him the Watford job for four months. Make a film about that. Could have ‘Academy Award for Best Documentary (Feature)’ written all over it too.

Kasper Schmeichel - Alexander Ludwig

Ludwig is such a doppelganger for Kasper Schmeichel that it kind of ruined the first couple of series of Vikings for me. (Great show, fell off a cliff like a cartoon anvil.) The Canadian looks so much like the Dane for my money that I genuinely think we should be running paternity tests on Peter. Just remembered he was in The Hunger Games too. Forgot about that.

Wes Morgan - Idris Elba

Idris gets in where a draught couldn’t so we might as well get him onboard early doors as Wes Morgan. It’s that or his agent will somehow book him as Shinji Okazaki.

Robert Huth - Dolph Lundgren

Is Ivan Drago way too old to be playing a Robert Huth in his early 30s? Yeah, probably. Equally, could anybody else conceivably be cast in the role? Absolutely not. And if Scorsese can shake Netflix down for that de-ageing technology money, maybe we can too.

Danny Drinkwater - Himself

Could use the work.

Riyad Mahrez - Riz Ahmed

Ahmed is one of the finest British actors of his generation, and if we’re being honest, we could use a bit of gravitas. Wouldn’t have many lines, but should be a real scene-stealer.

Christian Fuchs - Ryan Reynolds

If he can boost interest in Wrexham by 5,028%, what could he do for Leicester City?

Coleen Rooney - Jodie Comer

The way I see it, the vast majority of this film is going to focus on Vardy’s life up to and including the Premier League title win. That being said, it would be remiss of us not to at least address the Wagatha Christie controversy at some point - perhaps in a post credit scene? And if we’re casting Coleen, it kind of has to be Comer, doesn’t it?

Wayne Rooney - Matt Berry

Stick with me on this one. I have a vision; Matt Berry as Wayne Rooney, but not trying to emulate his voice and mannerisms even remotely. Instead, he plays it straight down the line, quintessential Berry - full baritone magnificence and mane of flowing hair, the works. Nobody within the film makes any reference to it whatsoever.