Aston Villa’s gentleman piracy as former Wolves man is returned to sender

One of the more entertaining elements of the language of the transfer rumour – that sort of cliché-ridden footballing Esperanto which we all understand and use without really thinking about how daft it can be – is when managers “raid” other clubs for their players. It brings to mind visions of piratical football clubs sailing the ocean blue and boarding smaller, less well defended ships to violently rid them of their precious cargo of half-decent football players. The vision is all the more entertaining if we are asked to include Unai Emery.

The Aston Villa manager would be a true gentleman pirate, well-dressed in fine silks and apologising profusely as his men bare their cutlasses and light tapers in their beards. His victims would be thoroughly endeared to him right up until the point he orders them keel hauled as his crew merrily make off with their booty of... excuse me while I check my notes… Pau Torres.

Because in-form Villa are indeed preparing an audacious “raid” for the Spanish international centre-back, even as he negotiates a new contract with Villarreal – in the words of Football Insider. The 26 year-old defender has been one of the better defenders in Europe over recent years and has previously been linked with Manchester United, so it would be something of a coup if they could pull it off.

Emery’s mangy, scurvy-ridden band of miscreants are also in hot pursuit of the good ship Emile Smith Rowe, according to Talksport – the 22 year-old has struggled for gametime after returning from a long injury lay-off and Villa may be looking to seize upon any doubts the young midfielder is having about his Arsenal future.

The 3 Added Minutes Verdict: If Aston Villa want to turn their recent good form into a long-term tilt at becoming European contenders, they could do a lot worse than Torres and Smith Rowe – Torres is superb and Smith Rowe too much of a treasure to be buried in north London. Suddenly rather exciting times for the claret and blue half of Birmingham, aren’t they?

Another upwardly mobile side who understand life under the pirates’ code – or at least the oil barons’ code, which looks pretty similar from the outside – are Newcastle United. They’ve been linked with a bevvy of big-name players already, but that does of course mean that they will have to jettison a few of their existing players to make room in the cargo hold, or at least to stay on the right side of FFP. I’m assuming somebody has told Todd Boehly about FFP, by the way? Never mind.

Anyway, one player who could be on his way out of St. James’ Park – per Talksport again – is Alain Saint-Maximin. The flashy Frenchman has brought more flair to Newcastle than anyone since Faustino Asprilla rocked up in that fur coat, but after making just 11 starts this season, Eddie Howe could be looking to cash in – not that Talksport mention any prospective buyers or a price tag.

The 3 Added Minutes Verdict: Even if Newcastle do upgrade their squad to a point where many of the current crop aren’t first teamers any more, Saint-Maximin should surely be one of the last up on the auction block. He’s had a few knocks and crock this season but he can still terrorise defences and even if he was reduced to an impact sub role, he’d be one of the best in the league at it. We’d only move him on if the money was really good. Besides, he’s a ton of fun.

We want your feedback on 3 Added Minutes - details here

Lastly this week, news that one of Europe’s more successful pirate ships is trying to get rid of some of the treasure it only just got its hands on. Turns out that Matt Doherty hasn’t proven to be quite as valuable a haul as Atlético Madrid had hoped, so they’re trying to return the Irish full-back and hoping that the Amazon seller won’t notice the slight scuffs. Doherty has only played 12 minutes since moving to Madrid, so the wear and tear can’t be that bad, and 90min reports that Crystal Palace are among the clubs keen on his signature, alongside former club Wolves.

The 3 Added Minutes Verdict: Doherty was doing a pretty tasty job in the Premier League just a couple of years ago, and while 31 is getting slightly long in the tooth for a modern full-back, he could likely still do a job for a mid-table side. And he’d be free, as his Atléti contract was only six months long. Very low risk, reasonably high reward? Can’t go too far wrong.