Chelsea’s winger addiction as Neymar lines up a fry-up

Amid all the chaos and confusion of Chelsea’s long-since collapsed season, has anyone actually checked in on Todd Boehly? Because while the popular opinion might be that he’s just a very rich man with minimal knowledge of football taking a role that’s far too hands-on, it’s surely at least possible that what we’re witnessing is a man in need of help, kindness and understanding.

After all, as today’s edition of the transfer rumours round-up will make overwhelmingly clear, Boehly is an addict. He just can’t get enough of wide forwards. He’s spent hundreds of millions of dollars on them, but he simply couldn’t stop if he tried – so it’s probably time for us to all gently gather round and politely insist on some cold turkey before he does something truly financially ruinous, such as… buying Neymar?

Neymar wingers for you, lad

This rumour comes fresh from France itself, specifically from Foot Mercato, who reckon that Paris Saint-Germain never fully gave up on their impossible dream of finding a club with sufficiently deep pockets and short memories to take the mercurial Brazilian off their payroll. And if there’s one man who’s very rich and not shy of spending, it’s dear old Boehly.

More surprising is the report that Manchester United are also “keeping an eye” on the questionably-coiffured carnival botherer – of course, if United are bought out by a Qatari owner, negotiations with PSG, owned by the state of Qatar, might be rather straightforward. Still, his estimated base salary of over £40m and his contract’s 2027 expiry date means he’d be a wildly expensive purchase even if PSG flogged him at a knock-down price.

The 3AM Verdict:If Neymar moved to Manchester, he’s nailed on to join the list of imported players who endlessly complain about the food and weather without ever once trying any of the cafés around Oldham Street. If they’d just get an all-day breakfast from Koffee Pot down their gullet, they’d stop whinging. Anyway, you’d understand a new United owner wanting a marquee signing , even one with Neymar’s rather inconsistent history– but if Chelsea try to buy him then our intro stops being a joke and starts being a serious medical diagnosis.

Zahard knock life

Another inside forward finding themselves gently simmering on a spoon before being injected directly into Boehly’s veins is Crystal Palace’s 30 year-old Wilfried Zaha. His contract is winding down and he faces a big decision – stay at Palace, upping his already club record wages to £200,000 per week, or move on to a European competitor and trade a chance at club legend status for one last go at glory.

The list of teams interested in bringing him in on a free is lengthy, per The Guardian, and yes, Chelsea are one of them. Seriously, guys, do you understand that it’s more or less impossible to play more than two of these players at the same time? Has anyone actually told Boehly how the tactics work in this game? Anyone? Anyway, Arsenal, PSG, Bayern Munich, Marseille and Roma are all also in the queue. Good luck trying to persuade someone to choose Croydon over Rome, anyway.

The 3AM Verdict:This has a few echoes of the Harry Kane saga – Zaha has to choose what matters to him more. Would he rather be a squad player in a side that could win a trophy or two, or at least promise a few big European away days? Or would he prefer to become a legend at a club who have an historical sum total of one Intertoto Cup fixture to their name? It’s a personal call and frankly, our verdict is rather irrelevant. But the editor made us put it here anyway. Sorry.

Kim and have a go if you think you’re hard enough

Our last transfer rumour of the day takes us away from Chelsea, largely because it doesn’t involve a winger. Napoli’s South Korean centre-half sensation Kim Min-Jae has already popped up on a few Premier League shopping lists for the summer, and now Manchester City have joined the line of suitors, at least if The Sun can be believed.

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His £40m release clause also makes him a tempting proposition for Manchester United, Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur, so there could be some stiff competition for the 26 year-old defender who is apparently nicknamed ‘The Monster’ – which is, at least, great news for former members of half-forgotten Welsh rockers The Automatic, as they can basically guarantee a few royalty cheques from Sky Sports if he does make it over to the Premier League.

The 3AM Verdict: Kim has been a major part of Napoli’s push for a first Scudetto in 23 years and based on his performances would be a good pick up for any team, especially at just £40m. At first glance he doesn’t seem like a Pep player – his game leans on strength and aggression more than technicality – but Guardiola doesn’t make too many mis-steps in the transfer market. Still, it feel like other clubs may be more keen still, especially United, who direly need to upgrade their defensive line.