Newcastle United’s £25m RnB slow jam, Aston Villa’s Changing Rooms, and Chelsea’s removal firm life hack

Manning this daily transfer rumours round-up can feel a little like recreating that scene from The Simpsons in which Rainier Wolfcastle - dressed as Radioactive Man - is strapped to a column as a tidal wave of bubbling hazardous waste crashes towards him. That is to say, there is an overwhelming slew of gossip to deal with, most of it is almost certainly just toxic run-off, and the goggles... well, they do nothing.

I am also becoming increasingly suspicious that most of these speculative whisperings might actually be formulated by one faceless entity in a broom cupboard somewhere who decides upon each and every potential saga by throwing darts at a torn-out page of an atlas. Observe...

Toon eye Summerville

Newcastle United are interested in Crysencio Summerville, a man with a name that suggests he could have made quite the killing pumping out sensual RnB slow jams in the mid ‘90s. Of course, that would have been impossible, mainly because he was born in 2001.

In fairness to the Dutch winger, his performances for Leeds United this season have proven that he has gone from boy to man, but if the Magpies are serious about acquiring his services then they will have pay upwards of £25 million. Then again, that’s pocket change up on Tyneside these days.

The 3AM verdict: Summerville has been a rare bright light in an otherwise difficult campaign for Leeds, and facetiousness aside, it makes sense that he is attracting attention from elsewhere. As for Newcastle, recruitment under their new ownership has been largely stellar, and so if they really have identified the precocious Dutchman as a genuine target, you just have to trust that they know what they’re doing. At this stage, they’ve done nothing to suggest we shouldn’t.

Emery keen on Lo Celso

Elsewhere, in the event of the televisual gods ever giving Changing Rooms a reboot, may I humbly suggest that they consider handing Unai Emery a role as one of the flamboyant design consultants? The Spaniard’s knack for transforming the drab and dreary into the modish and marvelous is enough to put Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen to shame, and Aston Villa’s glow up this term has arguably been the story of the season so far.

His next project, according to reports from South America, could be the restoration of Giovani Lo Celso. To be fair to the Argentine, he hasn’t exactly been in a state of disrepair lately, but his time with Tottenham has never truly worked out, and once his loan spell with Villarreal is over, he is expected to leave north London on a permanent basis. That is where Emery and Villa could come in, with suggestions that they have assured their Premier League rivals that they will make a formal offer for the midfielder.

The 3AM verdict: Thus far, English football has not exactly agreed with Lo Celso, but at this present moment in time, everything Emery touches seemingly turns to gold. The Spaniard is still yet to properly stamp his mark on the dressing room at Villa Park, but given the good will he has already built up this season, there’s no reason why supporters and club chiefs alike shouldn’t trust in his transfer vision.

Chelsea join Palhinha race

And finally, Chelsea are understood to be keeping tabs on Fulham midfielder Joao Palhinha alongside the likes of Liverpool, Tottenham, and Manchester United. Just one original idea, Todd - that’s all we’re asking for. On the one hand, if the 27-year-old does stay in west London, he might struggle for regular opportunities in amongst the Blues’ slag heap of recent transfer splurges. On the other, he would save a bomb on hiring a removal van. Choices, choices...

The 3AM verdict:Palhinha has inarguably been one of the standout performers of Fulham’s successful return to the top flight, and one of the signings of the season writ large. It is understandable that he is likely to be in demand this summer, but gut feeling would tell you that he would be better off steering clear of the slow motion car crash that is Stamford Bridge at the moment.