Black pudding and barmcakes as Manchester United struggle for signings

They may be one of the biggest and most successful clubs in world football but for some reason, Manchester United have something of a problem – nobody actually wants to play there any more. Today’s round-up of the latest transfer rumours make this sad fact abundantly clear.

Why has their stock taken such a tumble with the world’s football elite? After all, judging by last week’s columns, nobody else is finding it hard to build up a big shopping list of future stars. Well, perhaps Anthony Martial and Angel Di Maria’s wife have continued their lifelong crusade to complain about the weather and food to everyone in Europe, and word is now reaching the ears of players across the globe that a move to Manchester will involve horrors such as ‘drizzle’ and ‘Bury black pudding’. Or maybe it’s more to do with failing to win a league title for a decade? Who knows.

What we do now know is that United won’t be the next destination for Brighton’s Irish starlet Evan Ferguson, who has celebrated a debut international goal against Latvia by firmly ruling himself out of a move away from the Amex. He allegedly doesn’t fancy sitting on the bench at Old Trafford, which seems more logical than rambling about the lack of good restaurants in a city that has hundreds of them. The Sun reckon he’ll be staying on the south coast for the foreseeable future despite Erik Ten Hag’s best efforts.

And best efforts will also be required to convince David Raya to make a move up the M1, with Raya rather unconvinced that he would start ahead of David De Gea, even if he has supplanted his more experienced compatriot in the national squad. Give Me Sport reckon United are keen on the Brentford shotstopper, but if he’s heard one word of Mrs. Di Maria’s diatribes then United may be disappointed. To any Spanish superstar footballers reading, I used to live in Spain and the best Spanish food I’ve ever had was in Chorlton. Just saying.

Also undecided on a life in Salford is Kim Min-Jae - look, there are a few rough edges but there are some really nice pubs around Chapel Street. The South Korean defender, who is sailing towards the Serie A title with Napoli, has gone as far as to call links with the Old Trafford outfit “nonsense” and suggested it makes him “uncomfortable”, according to The Mail. I can only assume these guys all share an agent who once spent a dark night of the soul stuck in Levenshulme or something. In fairness, all nights spent in Levenshulme are dark nights of the soul.

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Lastly, but by no means leastly, United also fancy young Portuguese striking sensation Goncalo Ramos, who many of you will recall as the kid who replaced Cristiano Ronaldo against Switzerland in the World Cup and promptly banged in a hat-trick. He at least hasn’t actively spoken out against moving to Manchester, but you can sense that he’s at least glanced at some of the average precipitation figures – he’s mostly using his time in the transfer spotlight to demand a new contract at Benfica, say Metro, who also suggest United could be in for young Danish forward Rasmus Hojland, who scored a lovely goal against Kazakhstan this weekend. No word yet on his opinion of Affleck’s Palace or barmcakes, so we’ll have to wait and see.