Man City’s spoon-dug tunnel, Chelsea’s monster mash, and Man Utd’s Groundhog Day

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All the latest Premier League transfer news. Kind of.

It’s started already. Erling Haaland, flaxen-haired beserker and holder of the world record for a standing long jump made by a five-year-old, has been sculpting a fake head out of soap and concrete dust and digging at the walls of the Etihad dressing room with a teaspoon he snaffled from the canteen for the better part of a week now. His objective? Escape, by any means.

According to reports, the Norwegian, having only arrived in the North West last summer, is already plotting his exit amid a slew of financial malpractice allegations levelled at the club and claims that his relationship with Warden Pep has deteriorated rapidly - which is fair enough given that the Guardiola’s latest tactical machination has effectively placed the striker in solitary confinement.

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As such, Haaland will continue to tunnel - ideally to Madrid, but he would settle for Barcelona - and if any posters of Rita Hayworth suddenly pop up next his locker, we can only assume that he has made it.

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Elsewhere, Chelsea are understood to be interested in a deal for Juventus star Dusan Vlahovic, because after spending in excess of £600 million since May, they still don’t have a centre forward who they trust enough to include in their Champions League squad.

For his part, Vlahovic has been described as a ‘monster’ by some Italian journalists, but should he rock up at Stamford Bridge to join Graham Potter’s specific hodge-podge - or ‘mash’, if you will - it remains to be seen whether his stint would actually constitute a graveyard smash.

And finally, it has been suggested that Barcelona may be forced to sell long-term Manchester United target Frenkie de Jong, so get ready to hear about that on a daily basis for the next six months.

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As Bill Murray’s character Phil Connors bemoans in Groundog Day: “I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?”

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