Newcastle United’s elocution lessons, Tottenham’s Kit Kat Chunky, and Arsenal’s ritualistic hunt

There are some words that are just not built for the Geordie accent. Certain sounds in certain utterances get lost beneath the quicksand pull of a treacle-thick flow, while vowels - almost without exception - are squished like grapes in a vice. The name ‘Joe Gomez’, for example, usually has three syllables. On Tyneside, it could have as many as 33.

But that is something that Wor Joe could be finding out for himself soon enough. According to his agent Haydn Dodge, Newcastle United are very, very interested in his client, and could look to lure him to the north east from Liverpool in the coming months. Speaking to Caught Offside, he said: “It is quite well known that Newcastle United have long admired defender Joe Gomez as they look to bolster their centre-half options ahead of several players being out of contract this summer.” What a wonderfully warm and an entirely non-rehearsed way to talk about somebody you represent!

Now, naturally we should be taking everything that The Artful Dodger says with a considerable dash of salt, given that any potential transfer involving Gomez and the Magpies (good band name) would likely net him enough run-off oil money to rip up his entire back patio and replace it with that decking he’s been wistfully daydreaming about. It might even stretch to some new rattan garden furniture too. Nonetheless, in spite of ulterior motives, this could be one to keep an eye on.

Elsewhere, Evan Ferguson is being measured for the ceremonial garb, is studying ever waking hour to recite passages of ancient scripture upon command, and will soon undergo that most sacred of Brighton and Hove Albion-affiliated rites of passage; the summer bidding war. The Irish teenager is so good that even Kylian Mbappe has taken to singing his praises, largely unprompted, at any given opportunity - much like how I have started to with the new white chocolate and Biscoff spread Kit-Kat Chunky (Editor’s note: believe the hype). I don’t know if it’s a special edition or a permanent addition to Nestle’s arsenal, but we cannot risk it being taken away from us. If you see one, buy it. This is people power, folks, democracy manifest.

Anyways, Ferguson. According to Football Insider, Tottenham are the latest Premier League giant to express an interest in the striker, although it is understood that Albion will look to offer him a new contract in an effort to keep him on the south coast for a little while longer. It’s all part of the ritual.

And finally, Arsenal and Chelsea are both still interested in summer raids for Moises Caicedo, according to Ben Jacobs. See above.