Everton’s unfortunate next victim, Chelsea’s Jurassic Park reboot, and Arsenal’s Blue Monday

All the latest Premier League transfer news. Kind of.
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Today, according to the timid lab rats who presumably specialise in fields as complex as ‘colours’ and ‘days of the week’, is Blue Monday. Thoroughly exhausted of any lingering dregs of festive spirit, and still some distance from a horizon that offers anything even remotely enjoyable, studies suggest that we are set to start this week with the most miserable day of the year. How fitting, then, that this morning’s transfer speculation has come stumbling out of the gloom sporting a decidedly bluish hue.

Let’s start at Goodison Park, a place that currently makes Chernobyl look like Disneyland. Try as he might, Frank Lampard can’t quell the growing rumble of disquiet on Merseyside, but then again, Gandhi himself would be struggling to find a peaceful resolution to the fanbase’s latest batch of furious owner-focused protests. Were the bespectacled ethicist to outline a master plan for meaningful progress, however, you would have to imagine that it would not include Anthony Elanga.

As per Fabrizio Romano, a man who is currently on his sixteenth consecutive day without sleep, the Toffees ‘appreciate’ the Swede. Lucky him. A temporary deal could be in the offing, but will surely depend in large part on Elanga’s personal appetite for sadism.

Elsewhere, Chelsea continue to hold a chubby middle finger aloft in the face of Financial Fair Play by weighing up a move for Sporting CP full-back Pedro Porro. According to Simon Phillips, the Spaniard is the Blues’ main priority over the course of the remainder of the January window, but should they miss out on him, they could make a move for Southampton’s Kyle Walker-Peters.

Failing that, perhaps Todd Boehly could pay to fund a research team tasked with reanimating the DNA of retired Brazilian footballers for the dual purposes of scientific advancement and commercial enterprise. Think Jurassic Park, but with herds of wild Klebersons instead of diplodocuses. Whichever Cafu clone looks the most promising could be lining up at Stamford Bridge in no time. Money, after all, is clearly no object.

And finally, after falling short in their pursuit of Mykhailo Mudryk, Arsenal will be doubly despondent to learn that Barcelona have reportedly slapped an £88 million price tag on back-up target Raphinha. Sad, sad times indeed…