Transfer predictions: Arsenal eye bounty hunter, Man Utd’s Moan Ranger replacement, Liverpool’s key courtship

A look ahead to the 2023 January transfer window. Kind of.
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Right, where were we? As if awaking from an unanticipated, feverish mid-afternoon nap, the Premier League will stumble, bleary-eyed and slightly disoriented, back into our lives in the coming days. After a month hibernating in the shadowy recesses of our attention spans, the top flight is readying itself to break forth from its slumbering chrysalis once more, and anybody who claims to be at all prepared for the approaching deluge of domestic football is a barefaced fibster.

Who, for example, is Southampton’s manager? How and why are Leicester City thirteenth all of a sudden? What even is an ‘Everton’? Presumably, some, and hopefully all, of these questions will be answered before the chime of the twelfth gong on New Year’s Eve. But as the confetti settles and some unfortunate BBC showrunner or other is forced to wrestle the batteries out of Jools Holland before he attempts to escape the heavily-guarded confines of his studio (once he has a taste for blood, we’re all doomed), a fresh new hell will be unleashed upon us all.

It can often be difficult to know what to make of the January transfer window. Think of it like a claw machine in an arcade. Technically, you could win a games console, but in reality, you’re much more likely to come away with a novelty keyring, if anything at all. Either way, you’ll have to pay a bomb for the privilege. But, as with the allure of the grabber, it’s the mirage of hope that keeps desperate clubs coming back for more. All it takes is for one wild, flailing swing to connect with venom and who knows, perhaps they could reach the dizzying heights of the... EUROPA CONFERENCE LEAGUE.

And so, as the proverbial storefront shutters creak in unison with the hinges on the coffins of an unholy horde of stirring agents, it’s worth taking a moment to ask ourselves who needs what, and why?

DOHA, QATAR - DECEMBER 03: Cody Gakpo of Netherlands in action during the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Round of 16 match between Netherlands and USA at Khalifa International Stadium on December 03, 2022 in Doha, Qatar. (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)DOHA, QATAR - DECEMBER 03: Cody Gakpo of Netherlands in action during the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Round of 16 match between Netherlands and USA at Khalifa International Stadium on December 03, 2022 in Doha, Qatar. (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)
DOHA, QATAR - DECEMBER 03: Cody Gakpo of Netherlands in action during the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Round of 16 match between Netherlands and USA at Khalifa International Stadium on December 03, 2022 in Doha, Qatar. (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)

Let’s start with Arsenal, who, like those goats who climb trees in Morocco or an unsuspecting grandma eating the wrong kind of brownie at a family function, are considerably higher than most people expected them to be at this stage in proceedings. In large part, the Gunners’ renaissance under Mikel Arteta has been brought about by a sustained period of stellar recruitment, and they are showing no signs of halting any time soon. Among others, they are being touted as potential suitors for the likes of Mykhailo Mudryk, Ferran Torres, and Cody Gakpo; a man with a name like a Star Wars bounty hunter who was to this summer’s transfer window what the Furby was to Christmas 1998.

Indeed, if Arsenal miss out on the Dutchman, it would be no surprise to see him sign for Manchester United. Or Newcastle United. Or maybe even Leeds United. Of that triumvirate, you would imagine that Erik ten Hag’s men represent the most viable option. The Red Devils are in pressing need of attacking reinforcements after Cristiano Ronaldo’s unseemly departure from Old Trafford. The Moan Ranger has ridden off into the sunset, Piers Morgan gleefully hog-tied to the caboose of his braying mule, and has subsequently left a hand-me-down number seven shirt to fill and a steaming pile of excrement on the communal shower floor that requires pooper-scooping. Gakpo could be the man for both jobs.

Across Manchester, City don’t exactly need anything but might treat themselves to a little splurge nonetheless. Essentially, the champions’ January could end up feeling a bit like a Sunday morning wander down to the corner shop for a Yorkie and a can of Tango. Rafael Leao appears to be their most likely confection of choice.

Rafael Leao appears to be Man City’s most likely confection of choice.Rafael Leao appears to be Man City’s most likely confection of choice.
Rafael Leao appears to be Man City’s most likely confection of choice.

Elsewhere, Graham Potter will make his first foray into the market backed by the splendiferous financial might of Todd ‘The Hot Rod’ Boehly this winter. Kind of like a Daddy Warbucks/Orphan Annie dynamic, you would imagine that the Chelsea manager will want for nothing having previously been confined to a diet of scraps, gruel, and South American prospects at Brighton. Unlike Warbucks and Annie, however, don’t be surprised to see Boehly give Potter the boot if he spends unwisely and results don’t improve. It’s a hard knock life at the top.

Expect to see Chelsea enact a considerable amount of deck-clearing in the coming weeks too. Already, talk of N’Golo Kante signing a pre-contract agreement with Barcelona gives off ‘beloved family pet goes to live on a farm’ vibes, while Christian Pulisic has just about squeezed the last of his Twinkies into his Disneyland fanny pack and is presumably waiting for the nod.

On Merseyside, Liverpool pace the corridor skittishly - shirtsleeves rolled up, plastic cup of acidic coffee in hand - anxious to see whether Jordan Henderson’s month-long courtship of Jude Bellingham has been enough to lure the Brummy wunderkind to Anfield. That fella who sings about Darwin Nunez on TikTok is waiting with his thumb hovering over a draft of an excruciating rendition of ‘Hey Jude’ as we speak, although gut feelings would suggest that he may have to hold off until at least the summer transfer window to pull the trigger.

Moroccan battler Sofyan Amrabat, a man who appears to be the illicit love child of Predator and a robot vacuum cleaner.Moroccan battler Sofyan Amrabat, a man who appears to be the illicit love child of Predator and a robot vacuum cleaner.
Moroccan battler Sofyan Amrabat, a man who appears to be the illicit love child of Predator and a robot vacuum cleaner.

Another team seemingly on the hunt for a midfielder are Tottenham, with several names spouted in recent weeks. Perhaps most prominent is that of Moroccan battler Sofyan Amrabat, a man who appears to be the illicit love child of Predator and a robot vacuum cleaner. Because, hey, why bother employing a scouting department when you can just watch the World Cup with a cup of tea and a packet of Jaffa Cakes? Seriously though, the only person who made more disruptive interventions in Qatar was Salt Bae, and quite frankly, Spurs would be lucky to have him. (Amrabat, that is, not that shady shaded grifter.) Failing that, they might move for Weston McKennie, a player whose moniker quite clearly came from a presidential name generator.

Forecast to be busier than most this winter are Newcastle United... of course. As alluded to prior, the Magpies have already been linked with a number of attacking talents in particular, although it’s hard to shake the looming impression that a lot of the self-styled transfer gurus from which such rumours emanate don’t name their sources not because of concerns over confidentiality, but rather because they employ a combination of darts in maps and blind Russian peasant mystics to mine their idle musings. At the very least though, Newcastle’s apparent interest in James Maddison seems to have legs. Another presidential name for you there.

A little further down the table, Brighton are going to be batting down the hatches like a dustbowl ranch hand in the path of an approaching hurricane this January. If it wasn’t enough that Moises ‘New Jersery mob boss tells you who parted the Red Sea’ Caicedo is playing like a man possessed, Alexis Mac Allister then went and had the impudence to win a World Cup on Sunday afternoon. Honestly lads, can’t you go one week without being absurdly, disproportionately good?

Meanwhile, in serious need of some kind of adrenaline shot are West Ham. Instead, they are being linked with Aaron Wan-Bissaka, which is a bit like reaching into your bag for an EpiPen and pulling out a Peperami. Likewise, Aston Villa could do with recapturing a little dash of sparkle under new manager Unai Emery. They would like Joao Felix from Atletico Madrid, presumably in much the same way that I, on my meagre scribbler’s salary, would like to replace my two front teeth with emerald-cut diamonds.

For the sake of brevity, Leeds United, Everton, and Wolves’ respective needs can probably be condensed into two words: ‘effective striker’. In truth, you could probably add Southampton to that list too, although you fear that the Saints’ woes may be somewhat more multi-faceted.

But let’s not kid ourselves though, once the clock strikes midnight on the 31st and that oft-heralded window is hoisted open to let in the stiff, biting gust of desperation, it’s gonna be all eyes on Nottingham Forest. Twenty-two summer signings, eighteenth in the table at Christmas; do they stick with what they have, or do they twist and go again? Don’t back down, double down, and all that. It might not be the most prudent or sensible thing to do, and the potential ruin that such a gamble could precipitate would be nonsensically large, but for the sake of chaos and a shot at Barclays heritageTM here’s hoping they’re dusting off the ol’ chequebook as we speak.

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