Man Utd’s grizzly bear in scuba flippers, Everton’s definition of insanity, and Liverpool’s same old story

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All the latest Premier League transfer news. Kind of.

Today is January 2nd, which means that approximately 75% of us have already broken our New Year’s resolutions. As we plough headfirst into 2023, it is worth remembering that while self-betterment is possible, it is also often difficult and quite boring, thus rendering any rainchecks or abandonments entirely excusable. And if nothing else, let us all take solace in the realisation that for all of the bad habits that we cling to like toxic barnacles, we will never be as cyclically or stubbornly lousy as Premier League football clubs.

Take Manchester United and Chelsea, for example, two teams who have made more costly missteps in their attacking recruitment policies than a grizzly bear navigating a field of landmines in a pair of scuba flippers. Both sides have adopted a revolving door policy to their centre forward options in recent years, similar in spirit to the hosting duties of Saturday Night Live, or the Tory party leadership.

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The latest exorbitant boondoggle to catch their respective eyes is Atletico Madrid’s Joao Felix. This, of course, makes perfect sense; the Portugal international is a big, big name with a big, big reputation that he is in increasing risk of frittering away. What’s more, according to The Athletic, his current employers are demanding a package worth around £18.5 million to take him on loan for six paltry months. Arsenal are also in the mix for his signature, but that kind of wanton fiscal mismanagement feels much more suited to the entrenched desperation of their top six rivals.

Elsewhere, Everton are in talks with the Anthony Elanga’s agent over a potential January loan deal, according to Simon Phillips. I believe it was Albert Einstein who said ‘Insanity is signing out-of-favour Manchester United players on loan every January and expecting different results.’ Or something like that.

Of course, if Elanga himself is in any doubt as to whether or not a move to Goodison Park would be a positive step for his career, he need only ask Donny van de Beek, assuming he can remember which Carrington broom closet Erik ten Hag currently has him chained up in.

And finally, Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp has played down the probability of his side making any more signings in January following the arrival of Cody Gakpo from PSV Eindhoven. I’d hold off on getting those ‘Bellingham 22’ shirts printed for a little while longer, lads...

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