Man Utd’s apocalyptic De Jong chase, Ronaldo edges closer to Bargain Hunt, and Zaha in demand

The year is 2068. Society lies in ruin. Once thriving metropolises have been reduced to eerie heaps of rubble. Packs of stray dogs roam the baking streets by day, and unspeakable monstrosities venture forth from the shadowy recesses of crumbling alleyways and disused metro stations as the sun begins its nightly descent. The last few human survivors scavenge the dereliction for bottle caps and shards of coloured glass, all to be haggled and bartered with for food and precious medical supplies in the pitiful remnants of a once unsinkable economy. The Simpsons has just been renewed for a new season.

One morning you awake to a crackling message coming over the tinny speakers of your rickety CB radio, with the broadcast seemingly from a distant land once known as ‘Spain’. Ears straining against the monsoon of static interference, you just about decipher the hissing din at the third or fourth pass. It says simply: ‘Frenkie de Jong is happy at Barcelona and is not for sale’.

The Dutchman’s flirtation with Manchester United this summer began like the playful suspense of an Austen romance, but soon tumbled into something more akin to Fatal Attraction. Now, months later, talk still lingers in tabloid gossip columns of a possible bargain waiting to be struck, but according to Barca’s sporting director Jordi Cruyff, any such claims are without substance.

Speaking to Sport, he said: “Frenkie de Jong is not for sale. He’s key player for us, so that time has passed. He’s here and he’s important for us. At the end of last summer, after Fair Play discussions, he stayed here and Frenkie is really loved at Barca”. So you’re saying there’s a chance...

In another tale of the unthinkable, Paris Saint-Germain president Nasser Al-Khelaifi has ruled out his diamond-encrusted steamroller from making a move for Cristiano Ronaldo. The Moan Ranger is, as you well know, sans club after parting company with United recently, but you would imagine that he will be eager to plot a definite course for his next destination post-haste. To be fair to him, that’s probably wise. Once you fall into the ‘Homes Under the Hammer/Bargain Hunt/Loose Women’ Bermuda Triangle, it can be difficult to drag yourself out of it.

Nevertheless, CR7 will not be hanging his hat in the City of Love any time soon. As Al-Khelaifi, somewhat sycophantically, explained: “He’s a legend, he’s a star, the footballer, I admire and love him as a player and professional. A fantastic player. 37 now he’s doing amazing. But every single club wants to sign him too. The problem today for us is we have the position [filled] - his position - so it’s not easy to replace the position that we have with him. But everybody want to have Cristiano.”

When asked whether it would be possible to accomodate Neymar, Lionel Messi, Kylian Mbappe, and Ronaldo in the same team, Al-Khelaifi responded: “It’s not easy in football. Any single club would love to have it but it would be impossible, honestly, for us.” Hearing you loud and clear, Nasser. I had a very similar problem playing Pokemon Yellow as a child. At a certain point, you can only carry so many Poke Balls, y’know. Sometimes you’ve got to make the tough choices, whether it be over Cristiano Ronaldo, or a Level 60 Blastoise.

And finally, 90min suggest that Marseille want to sign Crystal Palace’s Wilfried Zaha upon the expiration of his contract next year. Do with that information what you will.