Chelsea and Spurs’ seagull buffet, Aston Villa’s Rodney Trotter ram-raid, Newcastle United’s coatless wonder

Seagulls will eat just about anything. Pigeons, rabbits, other seagulls - if you can name it, there’s probably a grim video in the shadowy recesses of YouTube showing the feathered glutton swallowing one bit by grisly bit. In the Premier League, however, the Seagulls find themselves at the behest of the top six and the appetites of their circling recruitment vultures.

In recent seasons, the top flight’s entrenched elite have treated Brighton and Hove Albion like a buffet at a private function, moseying over every once in a while, paper plate in hand, seeing what toothpick-skewered goodies they can pick at while the hubbub swirls around them. This season alone, Marc Cucurella has joined Chelsea, Yves Bissouma has signed for Tottenham, and Leandro Trossard has departed for Arsenal.

Next to join that ever-growing list could be teenage striker Evan Ferguson, who - according to The Sun - has emerged has a target for both Chelsea and Spurs. The 18-year-old arrived at Brighton from Irish side Bohemians in 2021, and became Albion’s youngest-ever Premier League goalscorer when he found the back of the net against Arsenal on New Year’s Eve.

Spurs presumably want him as Harry Kane’s heir apparent, Chelsea presumably want him as yet another attempt to ease Graham Potter’s dry rot homesickness, and the Seagulls presumably want him to stay exactly where he is for as long as possible.

Also facing the possibility of a good ol’ fashioned summer window ram-raid are Aston Villa, with World Cup winner Emi Martinez attracting attention from the likes of Atletico Madrid, Inter Milan, and Juventus, according to Football Insider.

The Argentine has the brain of a certified madman, the face of a trusted family veterinarian, and the body of Rodney Trotter, and this time next year Villa could be millionaires, should they entertain offers for the 30-year-old in the coming months. How many millions, exactly? About 40 or so.

And finally, Newcastle United like Arsenal’s Kieran Tierney, according to Football Insider. The Scot would fit right in on Tyneside, and not least because his near-legendary aversion to appropriate winter clothing is rivalled only by the hot-blooded populace of the Geordie nation. Should they manage to sign him, they would have a Kieran T. on either side of their defence too, which, apart from anything else, would be immensely satisfying.