Slasher Haaland staying at Man City, Agent Hendo in Liverpool scheme, Man Utd update on Leao

Through all of the torment and the fear, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. Like the victims of some nocturnal masked slasher or other in a low budget horror flick, the Premier League has found itself cowering in the closet with a busted flashlight, just waiting for the solace of a long-promised daybreak. Eventually, Erling Haaland will leave Manchester City. Then, and only then, will we all be safe again.

The understanding has always been that the Norwegian would spend a handful of years plundering England, before turning his acute knack for pillaging to mainland Europe. Kind of like his Viking forebears. But now, in a twist that will cause more sleepless nights than a mattress stuffed with thumb tacks, Sport suggest that Real Madrid, often touted as the 22-year-old’s most probable next destination, might not be interested in signing him after all. This is like finding out that aforementioned nocturnal slasher has stocked up on factor 50, invested in some Transitions lenses, and after a hearty breakfast, is ready to go again. All... day... long.

The reason for Real’s apparent change of heart is the deal they seemingly have in place for Palmeiras’ teenage phenomenon Endrick, a young man who proudly continues the tradition of Brazilian footballers with names like characters from Last of the Summer Wine. His new life in Spain could inadvertently spell misery for Premier League defences for years to come.

Elsewhere, in an effort to bridge the yawning chasm that has ripped itself open in the wake of Haaland’s arrival in England, Liverpool are said to be working on not one new deal, not two new deals, but - oh wait, no, it is two deals, sorry. According to Football Insider, the Reds are plotting a double swoop to bolster their midfield, with the potential for one such acquisition to be made as soon as January.

Unsurprisingly, Jude Bellingham remains perched high atop their teetering pylon of priorities, and the Kop waits with bated breath to see whether or not Agents Henderson and Alexander-Arnold have been able to smuggle him through customs in their hand luggage after a highly successful diplomatic excursion to the Middle East.

And finally, Manchester United are reportedly yet to follow Chelsea in registering any interest with AC Milan in Rafael Leao. Will this latest revelation put a stop to the impending tabloid-fuelled bilge of rumour and speculation surrounding their apparent intent to sign him? No. No it will not.